On my way to work this morning, a squirrel sprinted across the road toward the car in front of me. It missed the little guy by a hair, but when he got across to the other lane, a truck tagged him. He ran to the edge of the road where he launched himself in the air, cartwheeling toward the bus stop, as if he could fling the pain away. I was going, “Oh no! Oh no! No no no!”, and blood pumped through the veins inside my elbows making me feel nauseated and weak. I had trouble gripping the steering wheel. By the time I looked in my rearview mirror, he was nowhere in sight.
I hope he died. I hope he died fast.
And I wish the Universe would stop trying to teach me this lesson. I hate it.
i’m sure he caught the bus to squirrel heaven.
a few months ago i hit a racoon or something. was going 65 on a back road, dark as molasses outside…little bastard came outta nowhere. i didnt even have time to move my foot from the gas to the brake. hit him full on. i thought i was gonna vomit. my only solace was knowing that he probably died pretty fast.
every time i see an animal dead on the side of the road or in the road i feel a lurch in my throat.
i clicked on the “teach me this lesson” link. i went to my first viewing in high school…friend’s dad. i don’t think i fully processed what i was seeing so it never really struck me. i don’t think i wanted to process it so i just didn’t. since then i’ve been to several funerals with viewings. one was for a good friend of mine who just dropped dead almost a year ago. he was my age, we worked out a lot together. one of the biggest shocks i’ve ever had. went to his funeral…didn’t know there was a viewing…i walked into the room he was in and i couldn’t handle it. i dont’ want to see them dead. i know they’re dead, i don’t want to see that it’s actually for really really real. went to my grandfather’s funeral in september. i couldn’t go in the viewing room. just couldn’t do it. i hadn’t seen him in a while and i knew (from what my dad said) that he didn’t look like the grandpa i remembered. he was skinnier and frail and i didn’t want that to be the lasting image of him in my head.
i completely understand the need to accept and that viewing helps that, but i think it helps keep me emotionally detached if i don’t see it. i didn’t cry at my friends funeral and i didn’t cry at my grandfathers. i didn’t want to, so i held it in. i’m an emotional fuck up…keep too much in. i should work on that.