I just finished a two-day road trip with my dad, my dogs, and a 14′ canoe. (Just delivering the water vessel to my mom, not actually canoeing with a half-deaf 72-year-old and two pit bulls.)
Why would I subject myself to such torture, you ask?
Well, because of these conversational gems, of course:
Dad: (pointing at a sign) Ah, ‘Welcome Center, 1 1/2 miles’, where I have changed my pants in the parking lot.
…
Dad: (to a car which was clearly pulled over for speeding) That’ll teach you to smoke dope!
…
Dad: That road is configured just the way I’d nightmared it.
…
Dad: What time do you want to get up?
Me: Eight.
Dad: Ha.
Me: I know you’re gonna wake up at 4:30, but I’m telling you that if you move around, my dogs’ll think it’s time to get up and I’ll be pissed. You better lie there and practice some meditation.
Dad: Medication?
Me: Meditation.
Dad: Medication?
Me: You better lie there and do nothing, old man. Don’t move. Meditate.
Dad: I always medicate.
…
Dad: If anything’s consistent about Shakespeare, it’s silly fucking plots.
…
As we ate breakfast in a diner:
Dad: (looking through his eyebrows at me) We may have to make several stops after this.
Me: I don’t wanna talk about it.
Dad: OK, I’ll give you the short version. (ad alta voce) IT’S DIURETIC DAY. That’s all I’ll say.