Subconscious Seeks Ogre

I’ve never understood sex dreams. I remember waking up from the first one I had in high school, horrified, because my sexual partner in the dream wasn’t the captain of the basketball team; it wasn’t Robbie, who played trumpet with me in the jazz band and wasn’t afraid to take improv solos and left notes in my locker; it wasn’t even the principal, which could’ve provided for a naughty authority dynamic.

No, it was the sophomore who wore nothing but

these
and these

and a big chain going from his black jeans with the 52″ waist to his empty wallet.

He wasn’t completely a Hobbit, but maybe halfsies, you know? His head was gargantuan. Tiny hands,

fingers like these.

With rhotacism. That’s an l and r to w speech impediment.

Think

this guy.

I remember being enraged at my own subconscious and walking gingerly into school the next day, petrified that, in a moment of trauma-induced Tourette’s, I might blurt it out in the cafeteria and be ridiculed for the rest of my life.

And though I don’t have sex dreams too often, today I woke up shuddering after having dream-sex with a student’s dad. And no, not the hilarious web designer or the charismatic surgeon with beautiful eyes…instead, the paunchy, awkward one with the mid-western accent (yech), whose residence (I remember from the home visit) looks like his garbage can and clothes dryer simultaneously exploded all over the house. It wasn’t even shame-ridden, back-alley sex; there were witnesses.

What is wrong with me?

Please tell me I’m not alone.

51 thoughts on “Subconscious Seeks Ogre”

  1. This is totally unrelated (although not as off-topic as I was expecting), but I need to Ask the Avid Bruxist something. I recently stumbled on a confusion metaphor. Is being “sexual napalm” a good or a bad thing? People magazine articles on the subject are inconclusive, and I’m trying to get my new years resolutions in order.

  2. This confession of yours cracks me up. And no, you are not alone.

    A while back, a certain overweight, dwarfish and spectacled, postal worker found his way into my twisted dreamland. Yeech.

    Sometimes what seems horrifying in the conscious world is totally benign (or even lovely) in the dream world, and the other way around.

    Have you ever had a scary dream that seems ridiculous when you wake up?

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