Here’s Your Host

So, last night, I emceed The Monti StorySLAM at Motorco. (See my bio here.)

I’ve spoken about the StorySLAM on the blog before because I’ve told stories at these events four or five times. About two months ago, Jeff, the director of The Monti, said he wanted to talk to me about a guest-hosting opportunity. Up to that point, Jeff had hosted all of the events. For three and a half years! Can you imagine? Coming up with material to fill probably sixty shows? (The host tells stories in between the storytellers.) Jesus H.

Anyway, I thought about it for a while—NO I  DIDN’T THINK ABOUT IT—of course I was like, HELL YES.

And then I crapped my pants.

Terrified.

I had never done anything like this before!

That’s a lie. Twelve years ago, I was the Master of Ceremonies for the “musical evening” at my grandparents’ church. With all that experience, why was I so nervous?

Perhaps it was the audience.

And the venue.

And the material.

Cuttyhunk Union Church seated about 75 octogenarian Methodists, who would delight when I said things like, “Up next, playing ‘Begin the Beguine’ on the piano, is Jim Lovell, or as I like to call him, Grandpa!” Motorco holds over 200 people—the vast majority of whom I would not know—and I was planning to mime fellatio during one of my stories.

Anyway, the theme was Good Date/Bad Date, and we all know I have some experience with the latter, so I wrote up a few things and practiced them out loud a couple times to work out the kinks. (Even though I write like I talk for the most part, there are just some turns of phrase that look good on the screen but don’t roll off the tongue.)

Then I put on some eyeshadow, which I am not qualified to do, headed to Motorco, and conjured some enthusiasm to mask my quaking nerves.

My friends showed up. Like a boss. I had probably 20 friends there. Also my sister. And my dad. Who got to watch me mime fellatio so that was fun.

And, you know, I stumbled a time or two, and forgot to get the scores at one point, and had a verbal tic that a loved one, when I prompted her at intermission, pointed out to me so I could attempt to rein it in during the second half.

But overall, it went GREAT. When I left there, I seriously thought, “I don’t know if I will ever fall asleep. Ever again. In my lifetime.” I was so jazzed.

And then I went home and passed the fuck out.