Bottom Chef

My friend, Melinda, is awesome for many, many reasons. One of which is that she introduced me to CrossFit. Another is that she’s hilarious. And a third (this list is not exclusive) is that she will often take a picture of the dinner she has made and post it on Facebook. It’s always something like braised lamb shank with balsamic marinade and poached leeks.

Or something, I don’t know. I just made that up. I don’t know what you marinate lamb in, and I’m not sure what a leek is. Or if you poach them.

The point is, it always looks and sounds yummy. It makes me hungry and jealous.

Jealous because, as I’ve mentioned, I don’t really know how to cook. I tried with my CSA produce, and you know, I was going to the farmers’ market regularly there for a while. But I’m sort of willful; I don’t like to follow recipes. I just want to be able to throw things together, deliciously.

That keeps not working out for me.

I bought a ham at the farmers’ market. It was like a frickin’ salt-lick. So I mixed it with some frozen lima beans. That tasted like crap, so I chopped up some fresh Chapel Hill mozzarella.

Gross.

At my school, before Thanksgiving, we had a Stone Soup assembly. A day before, each grade level brought an ingredient (carrots, potatoes, onions, garlic, celery, broth, and seasonings), and students and parents chopped and prepared and threw everything into crock pots. It was delightful! I thought, I can do that, so I went to the grocery store and bought all the stuff and

it tasted like smooshy, wet nothing.

On the rare day that I do manage to make something remotely edible, like my London broil with roasted vegetables, it’s never visually appealing.

Nobody likes pink food, unless it's frosting.

I can saute a shrimp in butter. So I do that occasionally, but when I shred some zucchini and toss it in, it comes out all mushy.

Shrimp with a side of mush.

One time, I made delicious home fries with onions and red peppers!

Yay! Victory is mine!

And then I thought, “I can’t eat that many potatoes by myself. I’ll make a tortilla de patata!”

So I tossed in four or five scrambled eggs and cooked it until it was leather. Completely inedible. I didn’t even feed it to the dogs. That’s how bad it was.

Alas, I’m not sure I’m meant for this “cooking” thing.

78 thoughts on “Bottom Chef”

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