Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: The Prancing Clydesdale

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist—she is back with another (mis)adventure! For previous posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.

Also, reminder that if you support me on Patreon (as little as $1 a month!), you get to read these posts early and other posts that the masses don’t get to see at all.

Hey, remember that vv flattering sweater from the last post? The gray striped one? I dripped butter on it. Fact about me: I get food on 100% of important papers. Also on cute things that fit me that I’ve had for less than one month.

Can’t replace it with this sweater. Last Fix, you might recall I told the stylist NO TRICKY BACKS. Welp.

Maybe I wasn’t emphatic enough. Maybe I should’ve said LISSEN TA ME: TRICKY BACKS CAN GET FUCKED. I’ll try that this time.

Question: When you go to a shoe store, how many pairs do you try on? Me, at DSW, like 15 maybe. And from those I choose two or one or zero. The odds are terrible, and that’s given that I already like the shoes. I’m not a fashion merchandiser, but I can’t imagine SF posts good numbers on the shoe front. Then again I have garbage feet. In any case, here are shoes they sent me that fit length-wise but squoze my toes.

Kate likes to argue that some heels are not heels. She’ll say things like “kitten heel,” as if the word ‘heel’ isn’t right there in the phrase. Srsly, anything higher than 0 degrees is too much for me.

Fortunately, Kate didn’t fight me on these.

Next up was a non-hoodie.

Reader, I did not.

I also did not need an AARP-patterned shirt.

Things were not looking good for this Fix, but it was redeemed by some black jeans with a little zipper detail on the left pocket.

And that was that.

But wait! There’s more! I made good on my threat to order some Lane Bryants. Unfortunately…

Succinct. Also…

Avid Brüxist! I’d have to work on my lats and my spray tan.

For the last one I tried to kick it old school. I saw “boot cut” on the website, and the dream of the 90s was alive. Disaster. First of all, I unwittingly ordered high rise, and goddamn! If I wasn’t wearing a bra, I could’ve tucked my boobs into them.

But that wasn’t the only problem.

In response, Kate sent a leaping pony gif, so I took that as a no. If the previous two offenses weren’t enough, I could’ve stored snacks between the waistband and my back.

Fortunately, there’s a Lane Bryant not too far from me, where I could return them instead of paying return shipping. So that’s what I did, and the good news is I got two pairs of uniform dark wash jeans (one blue and one blackish) and two pairs of work pants and TWO! NEW! SPORTS BRAS! Ones that don’t feel like whalebone corsets.

I will try to include photos of these items in the next post, but right now I’m tired and I need to lie down. Which might be my motto for 2019.

Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

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