Dad: Ames, I dropped a pair of reading glasses down your toilet. …Don’t worry! …I have about 15 pairs.
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Dad: I’m a big fan of Woody Harrelson. Especially now that he’s no longer a mushroom-eating moon howler.
(?????)
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Dad, re baby names: Of course, the best name is Abraham Lincoln.
Me: Abraham Lincoln Scott?
Dad, totally sincere: Yes. Greatest American who ever lived.
(I didn’t know my dad was such a fan! But I’m not naming my son Abraham Lincoln.)
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Dad: I’m trying to resist picking at this scab. If I can’t take it anymore, I’ll just smoke a cigarette.
(Dad hasn’t smoked in 55 years.)
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Dad: Guy in the white car. Should be shot. Tailgating.
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Dad pulls a disposable razor out of the side pocket of his cargo shorts, flips down the passenger-side visor, and starts dry-shaving in the mirror. After about 10 minutes of scraping: I’m damn-near handsome.
He scrapes for another 15 minutes and then returns the razor to his pocket, I imagine, for use another day.
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Dad, after attempting without success to engage me in a discussion of Middle East politics: Hello, Redford. Would you like to talk about the Kurds?
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Dad, re my nut-rice crackers: Look like Ganges River cow pies. (He eats one.) …Not bad.
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Dad, while getting breakfast from the Whole Foods hot bar: Maybe I should get some vegan rice.
(Funny because Dad’s a huge carnivore, and also because he pronounces it “vejan”.)
(And after…) The sausage is altogether too healthy. Gnu meat, not pork. Famous for its life-giving properties.
(Yes, he pronounces it “guh-NOO”.)
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Dad: One thing I’m grateful for is that, at age 75, I haven’t lost any beauty or sex appeal. Because I never had any. …I can’t believe I’ve never thought of that joke before.