Jeans Lessons! with Other Fayshun Lessons!

Preamble: Sorry for my photography. I’m clearly limited. I have no special lighting or camera or, you know, discernable skill. But I’ll try to teach you what I learned from Kate and Michelle on our jeans excursion. Also, note that these are lessons for me-shaped women, i.e., hobbit-height, dumps like a truck truck truck/thighs like what what what. The rest o’ yous are gonna have to get your own advisors.

BEFORE:

Lesson #1 Whiskers—those horizontal, bleachy stripes on the hips—accentuate the extry-wideness. Not recommended.

Lesson #2 Repeat after me: Uniform dark wash. Any lightening of the fabric along the thighs, however imperceptible to my eye, is totally perceptible to Kate’s eye, and that means it’s a no.

Lesson #3 Gap produces reasonably-priced jeans (unlike, say, 7 for All Mankind—two hundred what now?) and has a “Curvy” line. What that means for a lady with an onion is that there won’t be a 1- to 5-inch gap between her lower back and the waistband.

Supposedly Gap makes Curvy Straight-Leg jeans, which Kate prefers, but all they had in the store was Curvy Boot-Cut and Curvy Skinny. She said get the Boot-Cut (which I did) and have them taken in a little at the ankle so they don’t bell out so much (aaaand we’ll see if I get around to that).

AFTER:

Alas, the Calvin Klein(!) skinny jeans(!!!!!) are still in the bag. They will have to be hemmed. And also they will have to be come-to-terms-with. (I own skinny jeans. I own skinny jeans. I own skinny jeans.) Perhaps I’ll blog about those in a few years months weeks.

In the meantime, bonus lessons for you!

Friday night, I was out with Megalu, one of my makeup teachers and no slouch in the fashion department herself. In fact, now that I think about it, Meg was the one the night of the makeup tutorial who, right before we headed out, said, “Ame… do you have a… different sweater?” And I was all, “Do what?” And then she and Kate bippity-boppity-booed me, and that’s when I realized I didn’t know how to dress myself. Eureka, mofos, she’s the one who started this whole fashion business!

Anyway, Meg noticed my new Curvy Boot-Cuts, and we started talking about my endeavors.

Meg: Are you having any fun with it?

Me: I mean, sometimes I feel good when I know I’m wearing a legit outfit, but a lot of the time I feel really insecure. I just don’t understand how this stuff works. I’m not playing dumb—I seriously don’t get it. Swear to god, it’s renewed my empathy for my special ed kids. Kate and Michelle were explaining why I couldn’t wear my skinny jeans with short boots, and I just could. not. get it. And some of the outfits Kate laid out for me break rules that I learned when I was a kid. Like, she put the white and polka-dot camisole and the cream sweater together, but I was always told you’re not supposed to wear white and cream together.

Meg: Yeah, that’s OK now. So is black and brown.

Me: What about black and navy?

Meg: That’s OK too.

Me: (aghast) NO.

Meg: And don’t match your purse to your shoes.

Me: But should I still match my scrunchy socks to my oversize t-shirt?

Me & Meg: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So many lessons.

Last lesson: Salesgirls at Nordstrom are snotty. [That’s one for women of any shape. You’re welcome.]