My friend Matt does hilarious recaps and reviews of terrible movies over at head_of_fema. (My favorite: Sharktopus. And yes, it’s exactly what you think it is.) He invited me over to watch a terrible movie and do a little dueling blog action, and I decided to give it a shot.
We debated between Barbarella and Bloodrayne 3: Third Reich, and ended up choosing the latter because I felt like there might be another time in my life that I would have the opportunity to see Barbarella, but I couldn’t imagine any other circumstances under which I would see the third installment in the Bloodrayne series.
I let Matt know that I had not seen the first two movies, but he said that didn’t matter because turns out, the setting, character arc, and rules of vampirism are all completely different in each movie.
[UPDATE: After several reader complaints, I must amend this post to make you aware that it contains spoilers. A lot of ’em. All of ’em.]
We begin. In a gauzy opening sequence, Rayne’s voice-over explains her origin mythology: vampire dad raped mom who then gave birth to half-vampire baby Rayne. Didn’t know that could happen, but it totally can. Meanwhile, another monster—besides herself, I guess—is on the rise: HITLER. Yes.
Lots of scenes of Jews walking into warehouses, working, standing in boxcars when suddenly—
Head Nazi: “Why isn’t this fucking train moving?” You want to know why the train isn’t moving? Because a pair of giant tits with swords is ready to take issue with your treatment of those Jews. Rayne and her breasts pull some whirling, kicking Cuisinart action on those Nazis.
Slice!
Dice!
And machine guns!
Wait, what? Here’s what: Just when Rayne had decided to whoop some ass, a rebel group had the same idea. That’s where the machine guns came from. Serendipitous teamwork high-five!
Rayne impales an officer and bites the shit out of his neck. He will henceforth be referred to as NVC (Nazi Vampire Commandant), which is kind of a misnomer because I guess he doesn’t become a full-on vampire, more sort of a vamp-mestizo. Like, he can go out during the day as long as he’s wearing a leather hoodie.
Cut to a different officer who enters an operating room to find Ron Howard’s brother (Dr. RHB from now on) poking and prodding a tethered vampire and speaking in an accent that can only be described as half-The Brain/half-Cheech.
The officer and Dr. RHB go to see NVC, who beats the crap out of them both. Dr. RHB is spared only when he shouts, “I can help you with your transition!” (“Like a tranny,” Matt says.)
Rayne meanwhile is getting a sexy massage in a whorehouse. She takes a break to give a john who is beating up his lady of the night a taste of his own medicine. Then she goes back to her room and gets Appreciation Cunnilingus from another of the hookers.
An enterprising whore goes to ask NVC for help ousting the madame, whose position she’d like to usurp, in exchange offering information on Rayne’s whereabouts. NVC is looking for Rayne because he wants to inject her blood into Hitler to make him even more powerful. It’s unclear how the whore would know that, but that’s what’s up. NVC snacks on the prostitute’s neck, and Dr. RHB puts her in a cage and tells her, “Times, they are a-changing.” Oh yes he does.
This sentiment is echoed in the next scene when Rayne tells Nathaniel, leader of the insurgent group, “I’ve been hunting down the undead for a long time. It’s about to get seriously fucking complicated.”
Word. I got mad confused after that. I don’t know, a blond codebreaker kills an officer; NVC bites a different one and sends him to track Rayne; the codebreaker gets kidnapped; NVC makes a speech about tricking the gods.
Rayne says, “In war, emotions run high, and it should.” The high emotions must’ve caused the parallel structure problems in that line of dialogue.
Nathaniel and Rayne are captured and put in the back of a truck. So they have sex. Then when the truck crashes, they jump out, ’cause the door wasn’t locked. The rebel group comes down, guns a-blazin’. Rayne gets her swords back(?), and—slash—a Nazi’s guts come out like sausage links. Dr. RHB gets shot. NVC shouts, “I AM THE PRODIGAL SON OF THE THIRD REICH. I HAVE POWER INCARNATE,” so Rayne throws him to the ground and smashes his head with a big rock. I would have too because what did that even mean?
The rebels and Rayne go off in search of more Nazis. And when they find some, Rayne jumps out of the truck with a hearty “Guten tag, motherfuckers!”
The end.
I know I have a lot to learn from the head_of_fema, but for my first try, how’d I do?