{"id":9200,"date":"2024-03-21T10:22:08","date_gmt":"2024-03-21T14:22:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=9200"},"modified":"2024-03-21T10:22:08","modified_gmt":"2024-03-21T14:22:08","slug":"sharknado-4","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2024\/03\/21\/sharknado-4\/","title":{"rendered":"Sharknado 4"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Matt<\/a> and I were both worried about Sharknado: the 4th Awakens!<\/em> The third installment had been so delightful that we wondered how the producers might top it. Was our worry justified? Read to find out!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It opens with a Star Wars-esque blanket of text spooling off into the night sky telling us it\u2019s been five years since the last sharknado. Tech company Astro-X, led by Silicon Valley maverick Aston Reynolds, has used their revolutionary technology to prevent new storms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ngl, my notes are fuzzy on this one. The next thing I wrote was literally: It\u2019s tricep<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think I was referring to Ian Zering\u2019s muscles as he chops wood in Kansas, where he lives with his mom and the son that got pushed out of a very vulvic slash in a dead shark by Tara Reid at the end of the last movie before she got chomped. Fin (IZ) is a farmer now I guess?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember how Fin\u2019s dad (David Hasselhoff) sacrificed himself in space for his son and the world? Turns out he was chilling on the moon and got rescued!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now we meet Aston Reynolds, the Elon Musk stand-in, who has used some of his ill-gotten gains to build Shark World Hotel, a hotel in Las Vegas with a giant pool full of sharks. What could go wrong?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fin goes to Las Vegas\u2013I remember not why\u2013with his Very Sexy cousin Gemini, and his cab driver is Carrot Top, complete with giant novelty glasses and a giant novelty flask. Stay with me here: Did you know there are two different schools of clown? There\u2019s classic circus clown, like Barnum & Bailey, twenty clowns in a VW Beetle-type stuff. And then there\u2019s European clown, which is a true theatre art that requires deep study and vulnerability. Twenty years ago, I saw a show in New York called Slava\u2019s Snow Show<\/em>, and it was one of the most profound theatre experiences I\u2019ve ever had. All that to say, I\u2019m loath to call someone a clown in a derogatory fashion, but trust me when I say Carrot Top fully transitioned from comedian to clown, and I mean that in the most derogatory fashion. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom Jones shows up, and boy has he had some work done. If you stood him in Madame Tussaud\u2019s, he\u2019d pass.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fin and Gemini are being very sexy to each other, and it would be hot except they\u2019re cousins, so I feel uncomfortable, although that might be your porn search term, and I don\u2019t want to kink-shame you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fin\u2019s grown son calls his dad from a plane. He\u2019s about to get married, and then the lovebirds will skydive to the ground, as one does. Only problem? A storm forms and sucks up all the sharks from the hotel! They swirl in the air and fall to the ground, where a bunch of Chippendales dancers punch, kick, and pelvic thrust them.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Fin goes to the top of the hotel, does not catch his parachuting son, but does catch his new daughter-in-law. They are in a car(?) at the top of the building(?), and they drive down a spiral-shaped sign(?) being carried on the storm(?) to the ground(?). They jump into a ship(?) in the moat around the building(?) and swordfight with sharks(?). I have concerns for any people who dropped acid before watching this movie. Like, have they healed?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AND THE OPENING CREDITS ROLL. What the actual fuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s somebody very skinny running in a black hoodie\u2013you can\u2019t see their face\u2013and it turns out to be Tara Reid! She was rescued by her scientist dad, Gary Busey, and is now a cyborg. Gary Busey had told Tara Reid her whole family was dead and vice-versa.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TR: \u201cYou lied to me!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

GB: \u201cYou weren\u2019t ready!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For what, Gary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gary. For what.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aston Reynolds begs Fin to save the day because his technology obviously no longer works, so Fin visits a country store that just has CHAINSAWS in big letters across the front. He also has isotopes so that\u2019s good. You need isotopes to stop the -nados, and there are so many kinds! Oilnado, firenado, icenado, cownado<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You guys, so much happens. My notes are just a list like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n