{"id":9190,"date":"2024-02-08T09:15:09","date_gmt":"2024-02-08T14:15:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=9190"},"modified":"2024-02-08T09:21:39","modified_gmt":"2024-02-08T14:21:39","slug":"sharknado-3-oh-hell-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2024\/02\/08\/sharknado-3-oh-hell-no\/","title":{"rendered":"Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Geoff was under the weather (pun intended), so Dave, Matt<\/a>, and I were on our own for Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!<\/em><\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fin sprints through DC trying to\u2026 save someone? Escape? Make it to BOGO sushi? No, he\u2019s gonna be late to a ceremony at the White House honoring him for all his shark-related heroism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cut to Florida\u2013Tara Reid is pregnant! And walking with her mom, Bo Derek, who looks bored.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fin not only makes it to the ceremony in time, but he finds?\/buys?\/borrows? a tux for the occasion. President Mark Cuban knights him or something\u2013I can\u2019t concentrate because the vice president is ANN FUCKING COULTER. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The mayor of New York also inducts him into the Order of the Golden Chainsaw, which feels a bit of a letdown after the president\u2019s thing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite the festive air, Fin can feel it: DC is not safe<\/em>. Moments later, sharks precipitate\u2013on the streets, into the mall pond. One lands like a baby in Abraham Lincoln\u2019s lap. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Back in the White House, Mark McGrath and ANN FUCKING COULTER remove portrait paintings from the walls and surf down sharky stairwells on them. Because.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The president and Fin shoot sharks with all manner of firearm. The president tosses a grenade into the mouth of an incoming shark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Matt: \u201cCeviche.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They jump out a second-story window and suffer no ill-effects just before the Washington Monument demolishes the White House! This is very exciting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then Finn, the president, ANN FUCKING COULTER, and somebody else recreate the Iwojima photo but instead of raising the flag they impale a shark. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: \u201cFish kebab.\u201d (Actually, I didn\u2019t say that\u2013I\u2019m just jealous of Matt\u2019s ceviche joke.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the phone, Tara Reid urges Fin to hurry up and get to Florida before she gives birth, which feels doable because it\u2019s like a two-day road trip and she looks like she\u2019s got like four months of gestating left to do, but he hitchhikes the hell outta there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some reporter is interviewing Michelle Bachman about the increase in sharknados, and Dave was like, \u201cRemember when we thought she and Sarah Palin were bad?\u201d And we all took a moment to comfort our sweet-summer-inner-children. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fin arrives in a ghost town. It\u2019s too foggy to see. Suddenly, people run past\u2013the budget allowed for at least nine extras on this day of shooting! You\u2019ll never guess what they\u2019re running from. It\u2019s sharks! Fortunately, who shows up but a hot ninja-kicking chick with absolutely gorgeous tits and also Frankie Muniz. They take Fin into their vehicle, which is an armored-car-slash-lab with a dissected shark corpse that looks like it was made from Legos. I think they discuss science?, but Frankie Muniz is a significantly better actor than anyone else in this production, and tbh, it\u2019s distracting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Florida, a shark drops in the hotel pool. Tara Reid revs her chainsaw hand and then doesn\u2019t use it for anything at all. Come on, Tara\u2013didn\u2019t you learn about Chekhov\u2019s chainsaw hand in English I? Then Tara and Bo[red] Derek sit at the hotel bar and have a drink. The choices these characters make are just wild.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fin and Hot Tits are going to fly an old army plane to Florida, while Frankie Muniz stays back to\u2026I\u2019m not sure. Frankie says goodbye by leaning his head lovingly on Fin\u2019s pecs for longer than you would imagine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Matt: \u201cI WOULD.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: \u201cSUBSCRIBE.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fin and Hot Tits crash the plane into a river and COME OUT ALMOST NAKED??? THIS IS VERY SEXY.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Fin calls his dad, who is David Hasselhoff, and he is acting<\/em>, and he is an astronaut, naturally. He and Fin are going to fly a space shuttle into the storm and use a laser? To blow it up? Fin nods at himself in the mirror. You know what, we should all nod at ourselves in the mirror more often. Then he walks through steam in slow motion in his astronaut suit. We should also do that.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tara Reid\u2013pregnant\u2013catches up to her non-pregnant husband and accidentally ends up in a (maternity?) space suit in the space shuttle as it\u2019s taking off, as one does. The spaceship looks like it was made from dollar-store craft supplies. Like, I saw an improv show a month ago where the improvisers were in a \u201cspace shuttle\u201d made of four office chairs, and it was more realistic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anthony Weiner is in the control room. Every sequel gets its own sex pest<\/a>! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

David Hasselhoff pulls an Armageddon<\/em>-Bruce-Willis and says he\u2019s going to sacrifice himself to fulfill the plan because he wants to be Fin\u2019s hero, and this whole couchful of queers is legitimately tearing up about it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tara goes into labor and gets eaten by a spaceshark. Fin jumps inside another one, and both sharks fall earthward and get fricasseed upon reentry. Fin cuts through the side of the one who swallowed Tara and out pops HIS BABY. Tara climbs out, and three is the magic number. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What an oeuvre! The writer, producer, and director were definitely on cocaine for the entire process, and I approve. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Geoff was under the weather (pun intended), so Dave, Matt, and I were on our own for Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!\u00a0 Fin sprints through DC trying to\u2026 save someone? Escape? Make it to BOGO sushi? No, he\u2019s gonna be late to a ceremony at the White House honoring him for all his shark-related heroism. … Continue reading Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9190","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-whats-making-me-happy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9190","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9190"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9190\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9194,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9190\/revisions\/9194"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9190"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9190"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9190"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}