{"id":9187,"date":"2024-01-25T09:19:24","date_gmt":"2024-01-25T14:19:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=9187"},"modified":"2024-01-25T09:19:24","modified_gmt":"2024-01-25T14:19:24","slug":"sharknado-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2024\/01\/25\/sharknado-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Sharknado 2"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Back when I was fun, I used to go to my friend Matt<\/a>\u2019s house, we\u2019d watch a terrible movie<\/a> together, and he and I would individually post our recap-reviews online. But then I had kids so I was no longer fun. Cut to TEN YEARS LATER, and Matt tells me he still hasn\u2019t watched the rest of the Sharknado<\/a> series because we watched the first one together and he was saving them for me.\u00a0<sob><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well! I\u2019ll tell you what I did\u2013I hired a goddamn babysitter and went to watch Sharknado 2 with him and Geoff and Dave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We open on an image of a plane\u2019s tail cutting through clouds\u2026 like a SHARK FIN cutting through WATER. Subtle as monkey pox. I love it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Only a minute in and we have our first cameo\u2013Kelly Osborne as the flight attendant. She is star struck. There in coach is Finn (Ian Zering), the absolute legend from the LA sharknado, doing a bang-up job of eyebrow acting. Could he sign her copy of his memoir? He passes it off to Tara Reid, who ghost wrote it. Tara Reid is so so skinny. Like her eyeliner looks blousy on her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finn looks out the window and hallucinates a shark flying through the air, but no, it must be a PTSD flashback, but NO, IT\u2019S REALLY A SHARK. Cut to the cockpit, where the captain is the dude with the drinking problem from Airplane!<\/em> Yes! The producers leaned in hard, and I\u2019m loving it. Uh-oh, turbulence. The captain has seen worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A shark hits the wing! Finn freaks out and is subdued by an air marshall. Dozens of sharks swirl in the clouds! The CGI looks like it was done with oil pastels. The pilots get sucked out the windshield! Oh no, who will fly the plane! Finn, that\u2019s who, and he\u2019s comin in hot. Tara Reid is nearly sucked out of the plane, hanging on by a thread, but the air marshall hands her his gun. So smart! She shoots sharks, but one swims(?) up and bites off her shootin hand. Finn cachunks the plane onto the runway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finn\u2019s sister and family are in the Big Apple. Mark McGrath is the dad. He and the son head off to a baseball game, while the girls do the girliest thing of all\u2013visit the Statue of Liberty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finn details the incoming maelstrom to a crowd on a Manhattan street including Andy Dick in a Spirit Halloween-level cop costume. Only then, after this speech which seems like it could\u2019ve been delayed a bit, he accompanies his wife to the emergency department and delivers her into the capable hands of surgeon Billy Ray Cyrus. This movie is a mad lib. Before she heads into the OR, Finn admonishes his wife not to lend a hand so literally next time. My god. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finn\u2019s sister and niece are on the ferry. The girl holds up a pamphlet, which is entirely blank on the back. The props department is staffed entirely with high school sophomores.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The mom\u2019s sorority sisters (I may be making that up) tell her about the plane crash, and they look out to see a synchronized swim team of sharks in the Hudson River! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finn has to go to the ballpark to rescue his brother-in-law and nephew so he hails a taxi with Judd Hirsch at the helm. Cut to Richard Kind waxing nostalgic about his time playing baseball at that stadium. Alas, he never hit a homer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At that point, my friend Geoff said, \u201cWhat\u2019s this movie about?\u201d and all the bones in my body dissolved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tara Reid changes into all black, except for her gauzy nub, and escapes from the hospital to go find Finn. She is so steady on her feet after general anesthesia\u2013OK, queen!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the ballpark, Vivica A. Fox kisses Finn, but he says \u201cit\u2019s complicated\u201d between him and Tara Reid. I\u2019ll say! Everything about this movie is complicated!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is raining on one side of the stadium and a beach day on the other. Finn convinces his crew to get out of there. They pilfer bats from the souvenir shop, and VAF breaks hers over her knee! Badass but also strategically questionable! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sharks rain down, and Richard Kind sends one into the stands\u2013the home run he\u2019d always dreamed about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The whole stadium runs out, but somehow only a few dozen of them end up in the subway? That\u2019s probably good though because THERE ARE CROCS IN THE FLOODED TRAIN LINES. They eat people, including Perez Hilton, but unfortunately not Jared from Subway, who is down there just sitting on a bench. Ugh, it\u2019s like when Donald Trump shows up in Home Alone 2<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finn fights a shark with his commemorative bat and almost dies but then STABS the shark with the bat and comes out of the scuffle with a baby shark (do do do doot do do) attached to his hip. \u201cI need a chainsaw,\u201d he says. \u201cI need a smoke alarm and other hardware items to make a bomb and throw it at the storm.\u201d (Paraphrased.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The girl group makes it back to Manhattan, but the daughter has a cramp from all the running! No worries, a businessman offers to take them to his office, but then, wouldn\u2019t you know it, he gets flattened by the rolling head of the Statue of Liberty, which just keeps rolling down the avenue like the boulder in Indiana Jones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the news, Al Roker corrects Matt Lauer\u2013it\u2019s a sharknado<\/em>, not a sharkstorm<\/em>. How many sex pests have cameos in this film? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finn\u2019s group ends up at a pizza shop owned by Biz Markie and then gets swords n\u2019 whatnot at a medieval weapons store. Everyone knows that Manhattan is lousy with medieval weapons stores. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tara Reid finds a little kid crying in the hospital and says, \u201cDon\u2019t worry, I\u2019m gonna save you,\u201d and then immediately hands her off to a stranger. Tara.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The streets are flooded, so Finn\u2019s crew swing across from the roof of their cab to\u2026 the roof of another car? What\u2019s the endgame here? Vivica kisses the teenage nephew in a way that makes me uncomfortable, and the cabbie gets eaten. Am I high? Because I feel like I\u2019m high.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VAF and Finn take a slow awkward elevator ride to the top of a skyscraper where she pulls out a slingshot and he reveals a whole bunch of\u2026 bombs? They look store-bought, but when did that happen. They sling a bomb into the storm. It doesn\u2019t work. They duct tape two together. No dice. Finn: \u201cEven the sharks are tougher in New York.\u201d Quadruple bomb! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: \u201cWas Vivica A. Fox\u2019s thong just showing?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dave: \u201cYou mean her whale tail?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finn is back with Mark McGrath and crew, and they\u2019re stuck in a stairwell with sharks at the bottom. Mark looks at Finn and says, \u201cRemember how we used to do?\u201d At which point, my friends and I have no choice but to make jokes about mutual masturbation. But no, they run down, grab the fire ax, and I guess fight the sharks. I\u2019m losing the plot. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now there\u2019s discussion of the freon tanks on the top of the Empire State Building. Tara Reid sees VAF and says to Finn, \u201cThat\u2019s your ex, right? I can tell she still likes you.\u201d And the mayor gives Finn a chainsaw. It\u2019s like all the footage spilled on the floor and the editors picked it up and scotch-taped scenes together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finn stands on a truck, does a backbend worthy of an 80s hair band rock video and slices a flaming shark in half.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I guess they\u2019re on the top of the Empire State Building now. Tara Reid shlunks a circular saw on her stump and uses her saw-hand to fuck up some sharks. VAF wires the freeon tanks, but the wire is not long enough\u2013she has to hold it together, she\u2019s gonna sacrifice herself! Zzzzzzz! She\u2019s thrown into the air and gobbled by a shark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But their plan\u2013whatever it was\u2013worked. Sharks are falling out of the sky, and New Yorkers on the street are using the farm tools everyone has for their farms to kill the sharks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tara Reid recognizes the shark that lands next to them\u2013it\u2019s the metaphorical croc to her Captain Hook! Finn reaches inside and pulls TR\u2019s arm out of its mouth and shoots sharks with the gun. Then he pulls the engagement ring off the severed hand and proposes to Tara Reid. That is so romantic except aren\u2019t they already married?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: \u201cCan we do this again?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Geoff: \u201cYeah! It\u2019s gonna be hard to wait ten years.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Back when I was fun, I used to go to my friend Matt\u2019s house, we\u2019d watch a terrible movie together, and he and I would individually post our recap-reviews online. But then I had kids so I was no longer fun. Cut to TEN YEARS LATER, and Matt tells me he still hasn\u2019t watched the … Continue reading Sharknado 2<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[170,169,168],"class_list":["post-9187","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-bad-movie","tag-movie","tag-sharknado"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9187","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9187"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9187\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9188,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9187\/revisions\/9188"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9187"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9187"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9187"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}