{"id":912,"date":"2010-05-11T18:23:39","date_gmt":"2010-05-11T22:23:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=912"},"modified":"2010-05-11T18:23:39","modified_gmt":"2010-05-11T22:23:39","slug":"amy-the-lionheart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2010\/05\/11\/amy-the-lionheart\/","title":{"rendered":"Amy, the Lionheart"},"content":{"rendered":"

I got the impression, as I was sifting through the scads of comments on my post about my freakishly small veins<\/a>, that some readers might come away with the impression that I was “strong” or “brave”.<\/p>\n

Alas. That is not the case.<\/p>\n

I didn’t mention that the second nurse passed on the foot vein because I was shaking so bad and doing some really unattractive deep breathing exercises. I don’t know what it is, medical shit fucks me up. I see empty vials and I feel woozy. Needles bring on heart palpitations. The clanky sound of a speculum being wound out literally makes me cry.<\/p>\n

One time during sophomore year of high school, my biology teacher started talking about horse serum, and I found I couldn’t grasp my pencil. My lab partner forced me to go to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. When I looked in the mirror, I almost didn’t recognize myself. You know that scene in ET<\/em> when the poor little bastard is face-down in the river? That’s what I looked like, all pale and translucent.<\/p>\n

Why am I such a wuss? My mom thinks it’s because I had a bunch of invasive stuff done when I was a wee lass…stomach pumped twice (once I ate rat poison, another time a peach pit), tubes in my ears, surgery to remove calcium deposits in my thumb, yadda yadda. She cites the time she had to take me along to a Lamaze class that she was teaching, and when I saw on the reel-to-reel film a dude in green scrubs, I pointed at the screen and said, “Dat bad daddy hurted me!”<\/p>\n

All right. I’ll buy it. But I’m 34! When am I going to get over this bullshit?<\/p>\n

Not today, apparently. When the nurse tied the rubber tourniquet around my upper arm and inserted the needle, and I could hear a sound emanating from my elbow not unlike the sound Hannibal Lecter made after he said he ate some guy’s liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti, I broke into fits of ridiculous, weepy giggles.<\/p>\n

Not cool, Ame.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I got the impression, as I was sifting through the scads of comments on my post about my freakishly small veins, that some readers might come away with the impression that I was “strong” or “brave”. Alas. That is not the case. I didn’t mention that the second nurse passed on the foot vein because … Continue reading Amy, the Lionheart<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-912","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fambly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/912","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=912"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/912\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":916,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/912\/revisions\/916"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=912"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=912"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=912"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}