{"id":7843,"date":"2015-06-15T06:11:50","date_gmt":"2015-06-15T10:11:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=7843"},"modified":"2015-06-15T06:13:34","modified_gmt":"2015-06-15T10:13:34","slug":"bananas-on-the-dashboard","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2015\/06\/15\/bananas-on-the-dashboard\/","title":{"rendered":"Bananas on the Dashboard"},"content":{"rendered":"

My dad and I aren’t taking our usual northward jaunt<\/a>\u00a0because I need to be within spitting distance of the hospital for Arlo’s sake, but here are a few gems of recent times.<\/p>\n

Dad: Have you ever tried to open pistachios and read a book at the same time?
\nMe: No.
\nDad: CAN’T BE DONE.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad: I’ve got a couple of bananas on my dashboard.<\/p>\n

(He did.)<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad: I’m still hungry. You got any munchies?
\nMe: (digging things out of the cupboard) Pistachios. Beef Jerky. …Sesame seeds.
\nDad: (correcting me) Those are for the cardinals.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad: (waggling his iPhone) I suppose this thing has a voice recorder on it too.
\nMe: Yup.
\nDad: I don’t know how to use this thing. How’m I gonna learn how to use this thing?
\nMe: I keep teaching you, but you keep forgetting.
\nDad: <blink blink blink blink blink><\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad: Apps.
\nMe: Yeah?
\nDad: Do I have to buy them?
\nMe: You can. A lot of them are free.
\nDad: Why would I buy any then?
\nMe: Well, I bought one called PicStitch–
\nDad: Pig shit?!<\/span><\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad, singing a lullaby to the baby:<\/p>\n

Oh, dear, what can the matter be,
\nSeven old ladies got stuck in the lavatory;
\nThey were there from Sunday till Saturday,
\nNobody knew they were there.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad, waxing philosophical: Life is really—hey, are those pretzels?<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad: You need breakfast? I could run out and get us something.
\nMe: I already ate.
\nDad: I didn’t really have anything. Just… some ice cream. Toast. Pretzels. I love pretzels for breakfast!
\nMe: You need to eat some protein and vegetables.
\nDad: I take vitamin pills.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

\"IMG_3401\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The best part about this is not that my dad texted the fancy vacation person back. It’s not even that he did it accidentally “with my ass”. It’s that he managed to put both “lol” and “poop” in an accidental ass-text to a spammer.<\/p>\n

And then there was the time he was more deliberate:<\/p>\n

\"IMG_4330\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Previous posts about Dad:<\/strong><\/p>\n

They’ll All Cowtow<\/a><\/p>\n

Brush Up Your Rich Wilkes<\/a><\/p>\n

Here’s Your “Father’s Day”, Dad*<\/a><\/p>\n

He Hath Spoken<\/a><\/p>\n

He Hath Snored<\/a><\/p>\n

The End of the Road<\/a><\/p>\n

He Hath Been Adorable and Sweet<\/a><\/p>\n

Come Fly with Me<\/a><\/p>\n

A Man Who *Knows*<\/a><\/p>\n

Dinner with Dad<\/a><\/p>\n

I’m Too Tired to Think of a Title\/My Dad’s Funny<\/a><\/p>\n

From the Man Who Needs No Introduction<\/a><\/p>\n

The Trip Back Nearly Broke Him<\/a><\/p>\n

1,700 Miles with Dad<\/a><\/p>\n

Dad-isms<\/a><\/p>\n

Too Many Assholes<\/a><\/p>\n

He Doesn’t Have Any Rules to Live By<\/a><\/p>\n

Damn-Near Handsome<\/a><\/p>\n

______________________<\/p>\n

Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.<\/a>
\nFollow Avid Bruxist on Twitter<\/a>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My dad and I aren’t taking our usual northward jaunt\u00a0because I need to be within spitting distance of the hospital for Arlo’s sake, but here are a few gems of recent times. Dad: Have you ever tried to open pistachios and read a book at the same time? Me: No. Dad: CAN’T BE DONE.   … Continue reading Bananas on the Dashboard<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7845,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[44,154],"class_list":["post-7843","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fambly","tag-dad","tag-shit-my-dad-says"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7843","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7843"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7843\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7857,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7843\/revisions\/7857"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7845"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7843"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7843"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7843"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}