{"id":7790,"date":"2014-07-02T16:49:05","date_gmt":"2014-07-02T20:49:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=7790"},"modified":"2014-07-02T19:00:46","modified_gmt":"2014-07-02T23:00:46","slug":"damn-near-handsome","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2014\/07\/02\/damn-near-handsome\/","title":{"rendered":"Damn-Near Handsome"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2014\/06\/15\/he-doesnt-have-any-rules-to-live-by\/\" target=\"_blank\">Dad<\/a>: <em>Ames, I dropped a pair of reading glasses down your toilet. &#8230;Don&#8217;t worry! &#8230;I have about 15 pairs.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>**********<\/p>\n<p>Dad: <em>I&#8217;m a big fan of Woody Harrelson. Especially now that he&#8217;s no longer a mushroom-eating moon howler.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>(?????)<\/p>\n<p>**********<\/p>\n<p>Dad, re <a href=\"http:\/\/babyhappypants.com\/\" target=\"_blank\">baby names<\/a>:<em> Of course, the best name is Abraham Lincoln.<\/em><br \/>\nMe: <em>Abraham Lincoln Scott?<\/em><br \/>\nDad, totally sincere: <em>Yes. Greatest American who ever lived.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>(I didn&#8217;t know\u00a0my dad was such a fan! But I&#8217;m not naming my son Abraham Lincoln.)<\/p>\n<p>**********<\/p>\n<p>Dad: <em>I&#8217;m trying to resist picking at this scab. If I can&#8217;t take it anymore, I&#8217;ll just smoke a cigarette.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>(Dad hasn&#8217;t smoked in 55 years.)<\/p>\n<p>**********<\/p>\n<p>Dad: <em>Guy in the white car. Should be shot. Tailgating.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>**********<\/p>\n<p>Dad pulls a disposable razor out of the side pocket of his cargo shorts, flips down the passenger-side visor, and starts dry-shaving in the mirror. After about 10 minutes of scraping: <em>I&#8217;m damn-near handsome.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>He scrapes for another 15 minutes and then returns the razor to his pocket, I imagine, for use another day.<\/p>\n<p>**********<\/p>\n<p>Dad, after attempting without success to engage me in a discussion of Middle East politics:<em> Hello, Redford. Would <\/em><strong>you <\/strong><em>like to talk about the Kurds?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>**********<\/p>\n<p>Dad, re my nut-rice crackers: <em>Look like Ganges River cow pies.\u00a0<\/em>(He eats one.)\u00a0<em>&#8230;Not bad.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>**********<\/p>\n<p>Dad, while getting breakfast from the Whole Foods hot bar: <em>Maybe I should get some <\/em><strong>vegan<\/strong><em> rice.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>(Funny because Dad&#8217;s a huge carnivore, and also because he pronounces it &#8220;vejan&#8221;.)<\/p>\n<p>(And after&#8230;) <em>The sausage is altogether too healthy. Gnu meat, not pork. Famous for its life-giving properties.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>(Yes, he pronounces it &#8220;guh-NOO&#8221;.)<\/p>\n<p>**********<\/p>\n<p>Dad: <em>One thing I&#8217;m grateful for is that, at age 75, I haven&#8217;t lost any beauty or sex appeal. Because I never had any. &#8230;I can&#8217;t believe I&#8217;ve never thought of that joke before.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dad: Ames, I dropped a pair of reading glasses down your toilet. &#8230;Don&#8217;t worry! &#8230;I have about 15 pairs. ********** Dad: I&#8217;m a big fan of Woody Harrelson. Especially now that he&#8217;s no longer a mushroom-eating moon howler. (?????) ********** Dad, re baby names: Of course, the best name is Abraham Lincoln. Me: Abraham Lincoln &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2014\/07\/02\/damn-near-handsome\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">Damn-Near Handsome<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7790","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fambly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7790","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7790"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7790\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7794,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7790\/revisions\/7794"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7790"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7790"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7790"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}