{"id":7750,"date":"2014-04-08T11:16:45","date_gmt":"2014-04-08T15:16:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=7750"},"modified":"2014-04-09T09:27:30","modified_gmt":"2014-04-09T13:27:30","slug":"too-many-assholes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2014\/04\/08\/too-many-assholes\/","title":{"rendered":"Too Many Assholes"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dad<\/a>: (surprised) I didn’t run into too many assholes today.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Me, trying to find some relatively healthy road snacks<\/a>: How about lima bean hummus?
\nDad: No hummus of any kind.
\nMe: No?
\nDad: Gook.
\nMe: But it’s delicious gook.
\nDad: GOOK!<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

My dad’s plumber’s cleavage is a chronic problem. It’s not just a coin slot when he sits down; fully\u00a0half<\/em>\u00a0of his ass shows,\u00a0much\u00a0<\/i>of the time.<\/p>\n

Dad<\/a>, patting back pocket for his wallet: One little thing.
\nMe: Pull your pants up.
\nDad: Two little things.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad, to Redford<\/a> whom he is resisting feeding people snacks: Would it help to know that a hungry dog is a healthy dog?<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad’s reading the New York Times<\/em>. Redford bashes into it like a high school football team going through the cheerleaders’ homecoming banner and puts his head in Dad’s lap.<\/p>\n

Dad: You think that’s funny, don’t you?… Well, so do I.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Tear It Up<\/a> comes on the radio.<\/p>\n

Dad: Is there any music<\/em> <\/strong>that goes along with this?<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad, re Violet<\/a>: She looks like she’s worried about the stock market this morning.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad<\/a>: I’m trying to make order out of chaos… Who said the leopard can’t change his stripes?<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad, futzing around on my mom’s iPad: What happens if I press this? Nothing. What happens if I do it again? Nothing.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Dad: So I took an Ambien and made a cheese sandwich.
\nMe: You have got to learn some transcendental meditation<\/a>.
\nDad: Ohm… Ohm<\/em>… OHM<\/em>YGOD, I DON’T WANNA FACE TOMORROW.<\/p>\n

_______________________________________________________<\/p>\n

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Dad: (surprised) I didn’t run into too many assholes today. ********** Me, trying to find some relatively healthy road snacks: How about lima bean hummus? Dad: No hummus of any kind. Me: No? Dad: Gook. Me: But it’s delicious gook. Dad: GOOK! ********** My dad’s plumber’s cleavage is a chronic problem. It’s not just a … Continue reading Too Many Assholes<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7750","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fambly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7750","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7750"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7750\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7753,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7750\/revisions\/7753"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7750"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7750"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7750"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}