I probably read through 75 profiles. Starred some, Xed some, and left the maybes alone.<\/p>\n
Then I started teaching again, and it seemed like too much to ask, to work all day then come home and decide the other half of my child’s DNA.<\/p>\n
So I thought, fall break. I’ll do my research over fall break.<\/p>\n
Last week would’ve been a perfect time. My only responsibilities were cooking, finding wayward shoes, playing cribbage, and avoiding getting goosed<\/a>.<\/p>\n But I didn’t do it.<\/p>\n And I’ve been home since Tuesday night. I bet I’ve refreshed my Facebook feed 87 times over the last few days. Why haven’t I devoted ten minutes to this project? Grrrr. Rarrrrr. >:(<\/p>\n I was unloading all this on a friend last night, and at one point, I said, “I just need somebody to help me choose. I need a partner.”<\/p>\n Ah. The Catch-22. I need a partner to help me choose sperm, but if I had a partner, I woulda done chose the sperm—his.<\/p>\n And it really is hard to do by myself. Do I go with “No Mascara Necessary” (seriously, that’s how they tagged him), who has stunning eyelashes and an insatiable appetite for learning? Or the shy Cillian Murphy look-alike who loves acting and painting?<\/p>\n Who am I kidding? I’m not going with the Cillian Murphy look-alike.<\/p>\n There are a million other profiles to go through. It’s about as much fun as online dating. Which is so much fun<\/a>.\u00a0I really think it’s overwhelming me. That’s a real issue.<\/p>\n But there’s a bigger thing, and it’s this: when I sit with myself for five fucking minutes, when I listen to the tiny voice I’m always shutting up by going to Geer Street, trawling Jezebel\/Gawker\/Wonkette\/repeat, front squatting, and eating when I’m not hungry, what always<\/em> bubbles up is incredulousness. I can’t believe<\/em> I can’t find someone.<\/p>\n I’m a cool cat! And I’ve grown out of my homely phase, I think!<\/p>\n W.<\/p>\n T.<\/p>\n MFing.<\/p>\n F, y’all.<\/p>\n I think ultimately what’s stopping me from buying vials of jizz is that tiny voice nagging, “This can’t possibly be how it’s supposed to go. This is a glitch in the matrix. Tech support will work out the kinks, and you’ll have a man in your bed who’ll provide you with all the sperm you want free of charge aaaaaaaany minute now.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My “What I Did Over Summer Vacation” essay would’ve been all about reading sperm donor profiles. I really had a go at it for a while there back in June. There was a lot to look at. Despite the myriad ways you could narrow your search, I sorted for only one criterion: light eyes.\u00a0I don’t … Continue reading I Don’t Think Obamacare Will Help Me on This One<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7521,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,20],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7520","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating","category-first-world-problems"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7520","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7520"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7520\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7526,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7520\/revisions\/7526"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7521"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7520"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7520"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7520"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"cillian-murphy1\"](\"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/10\/cillian-murphy1-e1380911441122.jpg\")
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