{"id":7192,"date":"2013-06-13T21:48:15","date_gmt":"2013-06-14T01:48:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=7192"},"modified":"2013-06-13T21:48:15","modified_gmt":"2013-06-14T01:48:15","slug":"has-anyone-ever-told-you-you-look-just-like-crispin-glover","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2013\/06\/13\/has-anyone-ever-told-you-you-look-just-like-crispin-glover\/","title":{"rendered":"Has Anyone Ever Told You You Look Just Like Crispin Glover?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Some sperm banks have a Donor Look-Alike menu. Like, in addition to sorting donors by eye color, height, ethnicity, and astrological sign<\/em>—are you fucking kidding me?—you can also search for jizz-givers that resemble your favorite actor, rockstar, or professional tennis player.<\/p>\n

Some of them I’d never heard of, like Alexander Skarsgard who I had to Google—meow!—<\/em>and Lance Guest who they clarified with a parenthetical “Last Starfighter”. I’m assuming that’s a recent starring vehicle of his, but I didn’t bother to search the internet for him because Lance Guest is a dumb name and “Last Starfighter” sounds like a rip-off of Star Trek<\/em> on the CW network. You know, where it’s all sculpted 20-somethings playing angsty teens and doing a lot of chin-acting. While fighting stars. And I couldn’t tolerate having a kid who looks like anyone whose parents named him Lance and who has made such poor hypothetical career choices.<\/p>\n

Several had “(young)” next to their names:<\/p>\n

Alec Baldwin (young)
\nAl Pacino (young)<\/p>\n

Just, I guess, so you wouldn’t think you were getting the bloated\/wizened versions that show up on your TV or movie screen these days.<\/p>\n

A couple had the name, and then the name again<\/em> with “(young)” next to it:<\/p>\n

Chuck Norris
\nChuck Norris (young)<\/p>\n

I mean, the cut-off age for donors is 39, so are they saying that have a donor who looks like a Chuck Norris in his prime and another less-than-40-year-old who looks 73?<\/p>\n

Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s Chuck Norris.<\/p>\n

Unless he shaves his beard.<\/p>\n

\"chuck-norris-jpg_234055\"<\/a>
Then it matters.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

If I were to choose the Chuck Norris look-alike, that baby’d better emerge from my womb fully bearded or I’d demand a refund.<\/p>\n

They specified that it was the\u00a0thin<\/em> Seth Rogen and the Anthony Edwards from\u00a0Top Gun<\/em>. Whew.
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

They had a few I was drawn to—Andy Samberg, Jason Segel, Ricky Gervais—until I remembered these were\u00a0look<\/em>-alikes, not\u00a0funny<\/em>-alikes. I don’t want somebody who looks like Andy Samberg unless he can also generate some “Threw It on the Ground”<\/a> action.<\/p>\n

Same with John Krasinski. What if my baby’s a dead ringer for Jim Halpert but can’t do a perfect deadpan-followed-by-minute-eyebrow-raise? I’d be so disappointed.<\/p>\n

Before I saw\u00a0No Country for Old Men<\/em>, I would’ve picked a Javier Bardem doppelg\u00e4nger\u00a0in a hot second, but his portrayal of Anton Chigurh insured that that’ll never happen. Also that I’ll never sleep a perfect night’s sleep again.<\/p>\n

And then there was Bronson Pinchot. I… I don’t think looking like Bronson Pinchot is a selling point. I think, just as a business decision, the sperm bank might want to keep that to themselves.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Some sperm banks have a Donor Look-Alike menu. Like, in addition to sorting donors by eye color, height, ethnicity, and astrological sign—are you fucking kidding me?—you can also search for jizz-givers that resemble your favorite actor, rockstar, or professional tennis player. Some of them I’d never heard of, like Alexander Skarsgard who I had to … Continue reading Has Anyone Ever Told You You Look Just Like Crispin Glover?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7193,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7192","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-first-world-problems"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7192","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7192"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7192\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7195,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7192\/revisions\/7195"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7193"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7192"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7192"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7192"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}