Recently, I had to ask for a Facebook courtesy-delete of a photo of me holding a medicine ball, taken at three-quarters view so my hips are wiiiiiiiide as Mother Ginger’s. Seriously, it looks as if, were I to pull out the bottom of my spandex, nobody would be surprised if some children ran out. In addition, I’m looking down, so my double-chin is in spectacular spectacle.<\/p>\n
These photos make me want to close myself in my house and communicate with the outer world only via USPS.<\/p>\n
But sometimes it’s not a photo. Sometimes it’s an exercise that’s standard to CrossFit that I’m incapable of doing, and I feel like a failure pile because I’ve been at it for two and half years now.<\/p>\n
I’m not even talking muscle-ups<\/a> or anything. People way stronger than I am can’t do muscle-ups. I’ll probably never do a muscle-up.<\/p>\n But I still can’t do a pull-up<\/em>. And I’m still too fat for toes-to-bar<\/a>.<\/p>\n Here’s that story.<\/p>\n A recent CrossFit WOD required as many reps as possible in 7 minutes of:<\/p>\n At this point, (it seems amazing<\/a> but) a 95-lb clean & jerk is not difficult for me. My max is 129. So the first three clean & jerks were nothing. Then I stepped up to the pull-up rig, grabbed the bar, summoned every ounce of strength, and kipped as hard as I could. And my toes totally hit the bar.<\/p>\n I was like, OK, I’ll do another. I took a giant swinging swing of a swing, and my toes once again made contact. Then I had to rest. I missed the next one and had to rest. I think I got the one after that. Or maybe there was another missed rep in there.<\/p>\n Back on the barbell. Easy six reps.<\/p>\n Back on the rig. Missed the first rep. Efffffffffffffffff.<\/p>\n I managed to get through the six, interspersed with another three or four missed reps (which are the fucking worst<\/em> because you’ve done all the work, just to get within an inch or two and have the rep not count).<\/p>\n And time was up. 18 reps. For comparison, the relatively fit people got 50ish reps, and the super-athletes got more than 90.<\/p>\n I wasn’t even winded because I had to spend all that time resting for my next toes-to-bar attempt so I did nine anger-clean-and-jerks after the buzzer.<\/p>\n I know, I know, I’ve made progress. When I started CrossFit, I would dangle tenuously from the bar and, with a great heave, pull my knees up to about navel level.\u00a0Now, I can do nine singles. If you give me a few minutes.<\/p>\n But I still look like Jiminy Glick when I’m doing them.<\/p>\n Aaaaaaand now I’ll be closing myself in my house and communicating with you people only via USPS. Send your addresses.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My sister-in-law is a gifted songwriter, and about ten years ago, she wrote a hilarious collar-tugger of a song called “Too Fat for Breakfast”, in which she (a normal-sized person) outlined some of the ways our society made her feel like a lumbering, jiggly mess (“Last-season Jennifer Aniston\/You look like a lollipop”). Here’s my CrossFit-themed … Continue reading Too Fat for Toes-to-Bar<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6623,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,20,12],"tags":[33,83,127,128],"class_list":["post-6616","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-call-me-crazy","category-first-world-problems","category-liftin-heavy-objects-over-ma-head","tag-crossfit","tag-embarrassing-photo-of-the-week","tag-fat-crossfitter","tag-jiminy-glick"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6616","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6616"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6616\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6640,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6616\/revisions\/6640"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6623"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6616"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6616"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6616"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n
![\"Me](\"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/04\/Me-Jiminy-2-e1364835191975.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n