{"id":5366,"date":"2012-10-04T10:16:57","date_gmt":"2012-10-04T14:16:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=5366"},"modified":"2012-11-25T14:34:54","modified_gmt":"2012-11-25T19:34:54","slug":"simple-collard-greens-recipe-with-lots-of-pretty-pictures-or-cooking-for-dumbs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2012\/10\/04\/simple-collard-greens-recipe-with-lots-of-pretty-pictures-or-cooking-for-dumbs\/","title":{"rendered":"Cooking for Dumbs: Edible Collard Greens"},"content":{"rendered":"

Simple Collard Greens Recipe with Lots of Pretty Pictures<\/p>\n

Ingredients: bunch of collards, 2 tbsp butter, 2 tbsp olive oil, fresh garlic, salt, lemon juice<\/p>\n

Step 1: Think about looking up that collards recipe you think you might have found on Epicurious?, when was it?, maybe a year or two ago.\u00a0Have confidence that you don’t need to; you remember it.<\/p>\n

Step 2:<\/p>\n

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Fill a pot about twice the size of your head halfway with water.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 3:<\/p>\n

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Cover it with a lid and turn the burner on Hi. That’s the notch above 9.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 4:<\/p>\n

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Using a knife about the size of your forearm, cut the leaves of the collards off the stems.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 5:<\/p>\n

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Stack the leaves in a pile and slice them into 5\/8-inch pieces. It’s real important that they’re exactly 5\/8 of an inch.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 6:<\/p>\n

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When the water boils, dump the collard greens into the water, and give ’em a lil stir.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 7: While they’re boiling for, I don’t know, like, 5 minutes?,<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
look how cute your dog is being.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Also, dice up some garlic. I prefer to be single forever, so I use three cloves.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 8:<\/p>\n

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Using these guys to pick up the pot, and not your bare hands<\/em> because you will hurt yourself<\/em>, drain the collards in the basket of<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
\"\"<\/a>
a salad spinner, and salad-spin the shit out of them.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 9:<\/p>\n

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Put butter and olive oil in the pot over Med heat (that’s between 4 and 6) until it gets all foamy and then the foam starts to subside, but before<\/em> it gets brown,<\/em>\u00a0i.e., don’t go check your Facebook feed while this is happening.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 10:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Throw in the collards and garlic and toss around until heated through.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 11:<\/p>\n

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Leave the remaining collards on the counter,<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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and put the knife in the fridge. With the butter. Wonder where the knife got to.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 12:<\/p>\n

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Salt the crap out of the collards, and sprinkle with lemon juice. Eat them — they’re not terrible.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 13:<\/p>\n

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Remember to put the remaining collards in the fridge where they will wilt for two weeks before you throw them away.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 14:<\/p>\n

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Eat some of this stuff for protein, since you don’t know how to cook meat.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Step 15:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Go to your friend Craig’s house for dinner. He knows how to cook and you’re gonna be really hungry because all you’ve had today was collards and trail mix.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Simple Collard Greens Recipe with Lots of Pretty Pictures Ingredients: bunch of collards, 2 tbsp butter, 2 tbsp olive oil, fresh garlic, salt, lemon juice Step 1: Think about looking up that collards recipe you think you might have found on Epicurious?, when was it?, maybe a year or two ago.\u00a0Have confidence that you don’t … Continue reading Cooking for Dumbs: Edible Collard Greens<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5366","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-cookin","category-gluten-freek"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5366","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5366"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5366\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5833,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5366\/revisions\/5833"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5366"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5366"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5366"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}