{"id":5224,"date":"2012-09-19T10:07:58","date_gmt":"2012-09-19T14:07:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=5224"},"modified":"2012-09-26T17:36:00","modified_gmt":"2012-09-26T21:36:00","slug":"the-relationship-i%c2%b4m-in-already","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2012\/09\/19\/the-relationship-i%c2%b4m-in-already\/","title":{"rendered":"The Relationship I’m in Already"},"content":{"rendered":"

You’ns may recall a while back when a different Amy altogether<\/a> took the blog wheel for a minute. Well, I’m on vacation so I’m relinquishing the keys once again for my enlightenment and yours. This post made me have lots of thoughts and feelings, which I’ll share when I’m not sunbathing, but I’m interested in hearing from you all as well.<\/p>\n

Without further ado, I give you today’s guest-blogger, the inimitable amy a<\/strong> (and no, that’s not my pseudonym—she’s an entirely different human being).<\/p>\n

There are moments in Television History at large, and then there are those in my own Personal Viewing History. \u00a0Some are one in the same, like Michael Jackson moonwalking\u00a0on live TV for the first time,\u00a0the very last episode of The\u00a0Sopranos, or Bill Clinton\u2019s speech at the DNC this year. Others are exclusive to either category, and for the purposes of this guest entry, I\u2019m going to fast-forward this to an episode of a certain Millionaire Matchmaker Reality Show Which I Never Watch But For Some Reason Happened to\u00a0See\u00a0at the Right Moment.<\/em><\/p>\n

On this particular episode, a very\u00a0wealthy divorced-with-kids fellow who exuded that teeter-totter imbalance of sweet and insecure yet not\u00a0douchey\u00a0was hoping to find His Match with the help of the Millionaire Matchmaker, who set him up with a down-to-earth-yet-beautiful single gal. They had a lovely date around a vineyard and horses, and just when I was about to gag, they shared an Actual Moment. Maybe it\u2019s because they both seemed like genuine people, or maybe it\u2019s because I secretly wanted to give this a chance as much as they did, but I can remember their exchange hitting me like a ton of bricks. He asked her somethingoranother, and she responded with\u00a0the sentiment that she felt happiest and was a better person in a relationship. And that, my friends, is when the proverbial coffee cup fell out of my hand onto the carpet, and my proverbial everything bagel slipped off its saucer, landing cream cheese-first onto the coffee-soaked carpet.
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

Because the truth is, and was, although I desperately and unabashedly have loved the men I have been in relationships with, and several others\u00a0with\u00a0whom, let\u2019s be honest, I haven\u2019t quite exactly been in\u00a0a quid-pro-quo relationship, I cannot say that I\u2019ve ever been for any length of time happiest and a better person IN a relationship than OUT of one.
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

It occurred to me in that moment that many, or maybe most, folks over the age of 15 lived lives quite different than I. \u00a0Those couples I see on\u00a0Facebook\u00a0who have been together since high school and seem actually very happy, those who are remarried after divorce or\u00a0the\u00a0death of a spouse, those who were once married but now never want to be again but seem to constantly be in a relationship with Someone, those who have never been married but are in a monogamous relationship with\u00a0Someone for\u00a0a certain length of time\u2026all of\u00a0them, coupled, preferring\u00a0to be in a relationship with another.\u00a0I would assume that for most, it makes them happier and better people being in that partnership.
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

I thought I wanted that. And yet, the relationships I drew to me, even the \u201ccommitted\u201d ones, were not that. I have always felt more centered and alive on my own.\u00a0It\u2019s even more so the older I get, as I come more into my own person. It\u2019s interesting to realize that I am at an age when many women are involved in the growth and change of their relationships with not only their husbands but their children as well, while I am only responsible for the one with myself.\u00a0It can be kind of lonely, not because I don\u2019t have those types of relationships, but because I find myself being unable to relate firsthand to my siblings and some of my friends on those levels.<\/em><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if I will ever be that comfortable sharing a life with someone. \u00a0I\u2019ve always entered into relationships with the best of intentions, always thinking maybe this is The One. I\u00a0thought I wanted a Partnership. And maybe I do. \u00a0But I also really like being single.\u00a0And not dating.\u00a0The pressure as each year has passed in my 30\u2019s to Find Him has been at times not at all fun, but exhausting, humiliating, and unhealthy. (And here\u2019s the thing, I don\u2019t like just casual dating for fun, either, because you can\u2019t do that for very long without it feeling ridiculous.) I\u2019ve actually been at parties where upon hearing I\u2019m single, someone\u00a0said \u201cOh, I\u2019m so sorry\u201d and MEANT IT.\u00a0I\u2019ve been at family reunions where the only other adult who wasn\u2019t married or engaged was my Special Needs cousin. I\u2019ve been at weddings where I\u2019ve been SCOWLED at for not catching the damn bouquet (I wasn\u2019t even trying to catch it, thankyouverymuch).<\/em><\/p>\n

I have walked through the valley of the shadow of\u00a0Where I Thought I\u2019d Be In Life, and I have fought those demons. I continue to do so, as I know\u00a0everyone does from time to time. \u00a0I have discovered the glorious revelation that not only is it OK that I\u2019m not partnered, that it\u2019s also really OK that I don\u2019t make it a priority in my life. I may never have that Great Relationship, but it never happening is no longer a fear of mine. If it happens, I welcome the addition of it, but I am truly happy in the relationship I\u2019m in already.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You’ns may recall a while back when a different Amy altogether took the blog wheel for a minute. Well, I’m on vacation so I’m relinquishing the keys once again for my enlightenment and yours. This post made me have lots of thoughts and feelings, which I’ll share when I’m not sunbathing, but I’m interested in … Continue reading The Relationship I’m in Already<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5224","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dating","category-whats-making-me-happy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5224","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5224"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5224\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5233,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5224\/revisions\/5233"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5224"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5224"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5224"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}