{"id":4697,"date":"2012-06-20T16:43:47","date_gmt":"2012-06-20T20:43:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=4697"},"modified":"2012-06-20T16:43:47","modified_gmt":"2012-06-20T20:43:47","slug":"he-hath-snored","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2012\/06\/20\/he-hath-snored\/","title":{"rendered":"He Hath Snored"},"content":{"rendered":"

It’s also<\/a> important to note that, when my dad was pulling a bottle of pills (yes, a bottle of pills) out of the pocket of his cargo shorts, a tumble of grape stems fell out. How long they’d been there, neither he nor I wagered a guess. I just picked them up and threw them in the rest stop garbage can. When it comes to my dad, it’s sometimes best not to ask questions.<\/p>\n

Like why he would toss three loose plastic hangers into the trunk of my car on top of his luggage (a half-filled duffel bag and a grocery bag of toiletries\/manuscripts). I pulled the hangers out and started folding his crumpled t-shirts. He said, “I must learn to fold those things.”<\/p>\n

I said, “I tried to teach you about five years ago.”<\/p>\n

He said, “I know! I can fold towels. You taught me to fold towels. I just haven’t got a hang of the shirts.”<\/p>\n

Moreover, my father is alternately insomniac and snoring, so sharing a motel room with him is a goddamn mess.<\/p>\n

When I say insomniac, I don’t mean the staring-at-the-clock\/quiet-general-fretting kind. I mean futzing around, rattling pill bottles, and, if possible, breaking coffee makers.<\/p>\n

And when I say snoring, I don’t mean the regular-tempo honk-shoo<\/em> of the cartoons. I mean an arrhythmic, confusing series of sounds, not a cacophony like it used to be, but something like<\/p>\n

1. a silent intake of breath;<\/p>\n

2. a series of 5-8 short\u00a0uh<\/em>s (imagine someone pretending to burp) 1-3 seconds apart;<\/p>\n

3. a long silence, during which an auditor would certainly assume death;<\/p>\n

4. a final exhalation, satisfied-sounding like the one someone might make after passing a fart that’s been held in too long;<\/p>\n

5. repeat.<\/p>\n

That’s my travel companion.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s also important to note that, when my dad was pulling a bottle of pills (yes, a bottle of pills) out of the pocket of his cargo shorts, a tumble of grape stems fell out. How long they’d been there, neither he nor I wagered a guess. I just picked them up and threw them … Continue reading He Hath Snored<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4697","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fambly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4697","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4697"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4697\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4698,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4697\/revisions\/4698"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4697"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4697"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4697"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}