{"id":2132,"date":"2011-03-08T22:11:13","date_gmt":"2011-03-09T03:11:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=2132"},"modified":"2011-06-20T09:24:49","modified_gmt":"2011-06-20T13:24:49","slug":"ass-clown","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2011\/03\/08\/ass-clown\/","title":{"rendered":"Ass-Clown"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I was still effing sore from all the ridiculousness that was <a href=\"http:\/\/crossfitdurham.com\/category\/endurance-wod\/\">yesterday&#8217;s WOD<\/a> when I walked in the gym tonight. Every pull-up felt like I was hoisting a corpse. Plus Coach Rich made us do box jumps and bear crawls for the group warm-up. I looked at him half-way through and panted, &#8220;Are you sure this isn&#8217;t the metcon?&#8221; (That&#8217;s metabolic conditioning for you non-CrossFitters.)<\/p>\n<p>The strength segment was presses. That was fine. But jeez maneez, the second part was 3 rounds of:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>run 400m<\/li>\n<li>15 <a href=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=N_RWv4k-O-I&amp;feature=fvst\">full snatch<\/a><\/li>\n<li>9 hand-stand push-ups<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Well, I snatched thirty-five pounds, which was twenty less than Rx, and HSPUs are, shall we say, a tad beyond my capabilities at this point. I put my knees on a box, derri\u00e8re in the air, and do them like that.<\/p>\n<p>And of course, <a href=\"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=1237\">the running<\/a>. Bleah. Blech. Blechity-bleah. I&#8217;m so slow. So&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>&#8230;slow.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m slow <em>anyway<\/em>, but I knew I&#8217;d be extra-specially so today since I was already plumb wore out.<\/p>\n<p>The 200m turn-around spot is at the second oak tree up the hill from the gym, which sucks until you head back and then it&#8217;s not as sucky. Even I feel OK coming down that decline. I&#8217;m not speedy or anything, but I don&#8217;t feel like I need to drop to all-fours.<\/p>\n<p>The only problem is when I do a late WOD, and it&#8217;s dark, and the street lights are on. It&#8217;s not that I&#8217;m scared or anything. It&#8217;s that there&#8217;s this low stone wall, see, and&#8212;OK, let me explain.<\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_2133\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-2133\" style=\"width: 300px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/Ass-Side-View.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-2133\" title=\"Ass-Side View\" src=\"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/Ass-Side-View-300x225.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\" srcset=\"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/Ass-Side-View-300x225.png 300w, https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/Ass-Side-View.png 640w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-2133\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">This is what my ass normally looks like from the side. (I may have done a little graphic lipo on my stomach and thighs here.)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>Point is, I have major junk all up in my trunk. This is <a href=\"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=52\">well documented<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>But when I&#8217;m running down that hill in front of the gym, and the street lights are on, the way my shadow lands on the stone wall makes my butt look<\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_2134\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-2134\" style=\"width: 300px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/Ass-Side-View-2.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-2134\" title=\"Ass-Side View 2\" src=\"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/Ass-Side-View-2-300x225.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\" srcset=\"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/Ass-Side-View-2-300x225.png 300w, https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/Ass-Side-View-2.png 640w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-2134\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">like this.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>The <a href=\"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=2030\">hot guy<\/a> who stole my sister-wife, Kristen, away at the Valentine&#8217;s Day shindig was running behind me at one point (because he was that close to lapping me). And before the WOD, I noticed he wasn&#8217;t actually a hot guy. He was a <em>ridiculous specimen of male beauty<\/em>. Beardy and tatooey and muscly and blue-eyed.<\/p>\n<p>Yikes. I did not want him to catch even the slightest glance of the carnival fun-house shadow of my posterior on that wall.<\/p>\n<p>So I ran.<\/p>\n<p>I ran like my legs were steel springs.<\/p>\n<p>I ran as <a href=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=yEoZpDQVQtg\">fahst as a leppid<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>&#8230;Of course, I&#8217;m absolutely sure that Hot Man&#8217;s entire focus was on me, not himself, during the WOD. I&#8217;m pretty sure everybody&#8217;s focus was and is always on me. Because I am the center of the universe.<\/p>\n<p>(I&#8217;m very self-absorbed sometimes, have you noticed?)<\/p>\n<p>(But to be fair, my ass&#8217;s shadow does make it look like planets orbiting it would not be out of the question.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I was still effing sore from all the ridiculousness that was yesterday&#8217;s WOD when I walked in the gym tonight. Every pull-up felt like I was hoisting a corpse. Plus Coach Rich made us do box jumps and bear crawls for the group warm-up. I looked at him half-way through and panted, &#8220;Are you sure &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2011\/03\/08\/ass-clown\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">Ass-Clown<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-first-world-problems","category-liftin-heavy-objects-over-ma-head"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2132","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2132"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2132\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2747,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2132\/revisions\/2747"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2132"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2132"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2132"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}