{"id":1968,"date":"2011-02-01T05:18:00","date_gmt":"2011-02-01T10:18:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=1968"},"modified":"2011-02-01T05:23:42","modified_gmt":"2011-02-01T10:23:42","slug":"no-such-thing-as-tmi-part-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2011\/02\/01\/no-such-thing-as-tmi-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"No Such Thing as TMI, Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m kind of a sweaty monster.<\/p>\n

I always have been. When I get hot…which is often, because of the…you know, the extry insulation…because I’m a little bit of a chubster…<\/p>\n

Anyhow, when I exercise or get nervous or even just experience a day in Durham between March 1 and December 1, beads of sweat pop out on my upper lip and my forehead develops a sheen and pretty soon I’ve got pit-stains the size of pancakes. Shortly thereafter I’m on the train to Stankonia.<\/p>\n

I should say, I used to<\/em> get pit-stains. And I used to<\/em> visit Stankonia.<\/p>\n

You see, I tried all the different underarm products:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
The natural deodorants. What a crock. That shit deodorizes about as well as crossing your fingers and hoping you don't stink.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
\"\"<\/a>
The ones so effective you could supposedly skip a day. Lies.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
\"\"<\/a>
The ones that are strong enough for a man but made for a woman. Not for this woman, apparently.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
\"\"<\/a>
The ones that are actually made for a man. But the cologne smell was so strong, I would find myself hearing Daddy Yankee songs and looking around for the guy following me*.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

So about two years ago, I did some research. On the interwebz. Which is magical in its offerings. And I found<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Klima. Works like a goddamn dream.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

How does it work? Remember how that lady died in Goldfinger?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
She asphyxiated from being painted gold.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

That was baloney<\/a>—you can’t die from asphyxiation if you can still get air in through your mouth and\/or nose…where air usually goes<\/strong>—but you can<\/em> block pores<\/em> by painting the skin, or in my case, spraying a little ethyl alcohol cocktail on it.<\/p>\n

The negative: (1) It’s one million dollars a bottle. (2) If you spray it on before your underarms are completely dry, it’ll itch like crazy. And (3) it, like many antiperspirants, is chock-full of aluminum, and I hear that when they autopsy Alzheimer’s patients’ brains, they’re just lousy with the stuff.<\/p>\n

So basically I’m spraying Alzheimer’s directly into my armpits.<\/p>\n

But, hey, no pit-stains! No stank!<\/p>\n

*Just so we’re clear, I’m pro-Latino dudes. I nearly married one. But many of them really like their Old Spice**.<\/p>\n

**Just so we’re clear, I’m also pro-Old Spice. I like a man who smells good. Just not bathed in it so that the inside of my nostrils feel all burny.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m kind of a sweaty monster. I always have been. When I get hot…which is often, because of the…you know, the extry insulation…because I’m a little bit of a chubster… Anyhow, when I exercise or get nervous or even just experience a day in Durham between March 1 and December 1, beads of sweat pop … Continue reading No Such Thing as TMI, Part 2<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,12,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1968","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dating","category-liftin-heavy-objects-over-ma-head","category-random"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1968","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1968"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1968\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1985,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1968\/revisions\/1985"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1968"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1968"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1968"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}