{"id":1344,"date":"2010-10-17T13:04:53","date_gmt":"2010-10-17T17:04:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/?p=1344"},"modified":"2010-10-17T13:09:30","modified_gmt":"2010-10-17T17:09:30","slug":"no-anvils","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/2010\/10\/17\/no-anvils\/","title":{"rendered":"No Anvils"},"content":{"rendered":"

Five months ago, I decide<\/a> no more anti-depressants. I get blood work<\/a> done.<\/p>\n

Despite my challenges<\/a>, I get B12 shots. A shit-ton of them. I start taking 5,000, then 10,000, IUs of vitamin D and a thyroid medication.<\/p>\n

I stop eating gluten<\/a>. My fatigue goes away, but my depression worsens.<\/p>\n

I have thoughts. Not suicidal thoughts, but ones like, “If this is what life is, why would I ever want to inflict this on a child?” And feelings. Crushing feelings, which make me stand in the middle of my living room with my hands on my face, unable to move.<\/p>\n

Three-and-a-half weeks ago, despite the fact that my insurance doesn’t cover them, I start taking amino acids. My osteopath says, “Take these 14 pills every day, and come back in a week.”<\/p>\n

“A week?” I say.<\/p>\n

“Yes, a week. You’ll know in a week.”<\/p>\n

A week goes by.<\/p>\n

Nothing.<\/p>\n

“OK,” says he, “add this one, four of ’em, and come back in a week.” Eighteen pills a day. Very expensive pills. Not covered by my insurance.<\/p>\n

Another week goes by. Still having moments where I might as well be under an anvil. Times when all the circumstances point to joy, times when my friends are saying,\u00a0 “Isn’t this great?” And I think, “It should be. But no, it’s not.”<\/p>\n

“Right then,” says my osteopath, “take four more of this last one, and come back in a week. If there’s been no change, we’ll do a urine test.” For one hundred eighty dollars. Not covered by my insurance.<\/p>\n

I’m still depressed, and I’m mad and sad about being depressed, and I’m hopeless that I’ll ever not be depressed. I continue to swallow 22 pills a day. Very expensive pills.<\/p>\n

And then last Wednesday afternoon, at the gym, I smile, genuinely smile. And I joke with the trainer, and I feel a lightness of being that I remember from long ago. I think back. For the previous couple of days, no anvils.<\/p>\n

Immediately, I worry that it’s a fluke, it’ll go away, I’ll never find it again. But for an hour, maybe two, I actually. feel. good.<\/p>\n

The rest of the week goes by. No anvils.<\/p>\n

Last night, I’m at C & K<\/a>‘s house, gabbing, singing along to “Sloop John B”, warming my back against the fire. And I think, “Isn’t this great?”<\/p>\n

Hm.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Five months ago, I decide no more anti-depressants. I get blood work done. Despite my challenges, I get B12 shots. A shit-ton of them. I start taking 5,000, then 10,000, IUs of vitamin D and a thyroid medication. I stop eating gluten. My fatigue goes away, but my depression worsens. I have thoughts. Not suicidal … Continue reading No Anvils<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1344","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-call-me-crazy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1344","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1344"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1344\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1361,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1344\/revisions\/1361"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1344"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1344"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/avidbruxist.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1344"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}