Stich Fix: Redux, Part 1

Yes, that’s right! Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is fixing her stitches again!

See, what had happened was:

  1. my promise to myself that I would just go shopping once a month was a vile and pernicious lie; and
  2. I literally split my pants.

My coworker texted me and was like, uh maybe check ur butt? Fortunately, this coworker was a friend and she said it nicer than that, like she intimated that maybe there was a flaw in the fabric or that I had gotten yellow paint on my red jeans, but no, it was my butt. More specifically it was my cotton underpants which I buy in a 6-pack because you can’t tell me what to do.

It was a wake-up call, for sure. I was pretending for a long time that my clothes fit, when they absolutely no longer did, and the thing about wearing too-tight clothes is it makes you feel like your body is wrong. Now, lots of people would say, “Well, your body is wrong. You need to go on a diet.”

And to them I say, “Thanks for sharing. Now shove it up your ass.”

See the thing about going on a diet is it doesn’t work. #fightme if you want, but please read Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon first. And then you won’t fight me–you’ll come in for a bit of cuddle and maybe boo-hoo on my shoulder for a few, but then we’ll high-five and have a snack because keeping our blood sugar steady is good self-care.

That’s all I’m going to say about diets for right now, but I do want to reiterate that wearing the wrong size clothes is a great way to feel bad about yourself all the time. I’ve definitely put on weight since the boys were born. I had that weird pregnancy net loss (plus 19 lbs during gestation, minus 30 with the birth), but since then, I’ve slept very little and eaten a lot of cookies. Those actions are related. Also, I quit CrossFit a year ago, but I had already gained the weight before my exodus. Wearing my old sports bras was basically having an hour-long Heimlich. I haven’t bought new sports bras yet because all I’m doing for exercise is walking the dogs, but I! HAVE! BOUGHT! NEW! STITCH! FIX!

The first order in our redux series was, like previous ones, a mixed bag. And as always, I consulted my fashion guru Kate for advice.

She concurred that the cherry blossoms were quite nice.

The Swingline is an under-utilized sartorial tool, IMHO.

Kate gave me a thumbs-up on the elbow patches and suggested I buy a bubble pipe to complete the look.

Next piece came with many reservations.

I hate it when she asks me that.

I’ll look into buying some leggings, but I decided to send the dress back. Amongst other issues, the sleeves were way too long.

I regret to inform you that my struggle with shoes continues.

I actually LOVED the flats Stitch Fix sent, but.

She asked which was it, and I had to reply that it was both–too floppy on my heels and too squeezy on my toes. I’m so sad about it. I just want cute pointy flats that don’t hurt my feelings. Alas, my search goes on.

For those keeping score at home, the YESes were Vero Moda Marky crew neck top ($44), Tribal Fia seamed trouser ($58), and RD Style Morrison elbow patch pullover ($64); NOs were Absolutely Ettel sweater dress ($54) and MIA Alana pearl flat ($59).

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.

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Stitch Fix, Part 20, the Last Part, For Realsies This Time

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another goddamn Fix because she meant to cancel after the last one, but she forgot and she’d bumped up the date because she didn’t want the box to arrive while she was out of town for the holidays, so whoopsies.

And if they’d knocked it out of the park with this one, I may have kept on, but they didn’t, as you’ll soon see. (Click here to read Part 19, and follow the links to previous posts.)

As usual, I let the package languish on my bedroom floor way past the 3-day turn-around window, so then I tried to whip Kate into giving me some fast feedback.

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I waited and waited and WAITED for a response.

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Good news was I got to see her the next day! Bad news was pretty much everything in the Fix. I really wanted to like the next thing. (When I refer to the orange biker sweatshirt, this is what I mean.)

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In the end, I did end up keeping it, because I didn’t want to lose my $20 styling fee, and the last two items were, respectively, a No and a No.

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Sometimes I don’t know what Kate is saying. I googled it, and apparently, Trogdor the Burninator is from Homestar Runner, an animated web comic which I haven’t looked at since I lived in Astoria, Queens, in… 2002? I’m a few episodes behind, apparently.

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Sometimes my Kate translator is turned up to 11 though, as evidenced here:

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Would I have gotten “fat thumbs” from “day thumbs”? Impossible to say. Might’ve wandered around wondering why Kate’s thumbs worked better in the dark. I better start a GoFundMe for Kate’s massive-paw triple-sized keyboard. Who’s in for a few bucks?

As I said, I’m done with Stitch Fix for now, but I really did enjoy the experience. If you want to try it for yourself, please use this link. They might still give me a $25 credit, and I’ll start ‘er up again.

Stay tuned for future fashion posts! Girl’s still gotta dress herself.

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Stitch Fix, Part 19, Maybe the Last Part?

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist! She is back with another Fix! (Read Part 18 here, and follow the links for previous posts.)

Let’s jump right in, shall we? You can probably see from the set of my mouth that this piece had me perplexed. I immediately consulted with Kate.

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In my opinion, this was amongst the worst things Stitch Fix had ever sent me. Kate surprised me by finding something positive about it.

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To their credit, once I looked at the package insert, I saw that they called a spade a spade, or in this case a sweatshirt, though they fancied it up a bit: Market & Spruce Torrence Textured Knit Sweatshirt.

Next up were some Soho skinny jeans from Edyson. Stitch Fix, we TALKED about whiskers.

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Yikes, “contouring” reminds me I learned that one look four years ago, and I haven’t learned a gotdamn thing about makeup since then. (Also, oof, I’ve aged so much in four years! Kids, man.)

As much progress as I’ve made in the fayshun department, I still sometimes have no animal instincts about a shirt.

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I’m pretty close to my all-time heaviest weight these days, so I do look Jennifer-Animation-possibly-preggers in the pink one, but that’s the fault of my gut and not the shirt, and I really did love the color, so I kept it.

For the next bit, we need to travel back in time to when the Avid Bruxist was a fashion noob. Do you recall the here for sex outfit, of which a component was the purple pleather jacket? OK, good, let’s carry on.

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Note: Although the author may be here for sex, no one else is here for anything other than demanding snacks, strewing toys all over the house, and shitting his pants. As our president-elect would say, SAD!

Honestly, I probably should’ve returned the jacket because it’s really squeezy on my big ol’ upper arms, but when Kate says, “Dayyyyyum,” and a student says, “You look so fly in that jacket, Ms. Scott!” you keep a thang even if fits like a blood pressure cuff. Maybe it’ll make somebody else be here for sex.

Kate didn’t answer my question about pleather care though. I googled it, and I guess I was supposed to rub it with baby oil or leather conditioner, but now it’s too late. Pieces of it flake off and stick to my neck. Oh! I have an idea! What if I get someone to sew a faux fur collar onto my faux leather jacket? Is that a good idea?! Maybe that’s a terrible idea. Like I said, instincts lack.

This might be my last Fix, y’all. I’ve learned a lot about style and what flatters me, so maybe I can save myself some money and just order stuff from websites? What websites do you guys go to for reasonably priced, fashionable clothing?

If you do want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. If you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit.

Stay tuned for future Fixes! Maybe! Maybe not!

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Stitch Fix Part 17, or I Like Me in General

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist! She is back with another Fix! (Read double-feature Parts 15 & 16, and follow the links for previous posts.)

You guys, this fashion journey I’ve been on the last few years has proved to me that anyone can learn anything–you just have to accept the pace of the student. When Arlo came home from the hospital after not taking anything by mouth for the first seven and a half months of his life, he could take eight watered-down drips of puree. For a long time, it looked like he was going nowhere, but now he eats a whole banana mashed with peanut butter, and I kinda don’t know how we got here. It’s like watching your own hair grow.

Anyhow, look at how I master this Fix with only slight guidance from Kate.

First, another maternity shirt. Why, Stitch Fix?

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She likes me in general. And you know what? For the first time in my life, I like me in general too. Likely a combination of being in my 40s (thus giving fewer fucks about stupid shit), having my kids, and exercising regularly. But dressing more fashionably for the body I have is a not-small part of it too.

Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t perfect. I’m actually going through a bit of a depression right now. Work is really hard, and I’ve only slept through the night fifteen times in the last two years. And I’m still not desperately in love with my own self, but yeah, I like her. She’s a cool bitch.

Something I don’t like? These pants:

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Or these pants:

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And then the bane of my goddamn existence: shoes. Flats, in particular.

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I shuffled around the house in them for a couple days, and they felt comfortable… until the very moment I stepped outside and scuffed the bottoms. Now, they rub and squeeze. It’s not footmurder exactly, but they’re not fluffy dinosaur feet slippers either. I’m hoping I can break them in, and all will be well.

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, use this link. If you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly fayshun blogs.

Stay tuned for future Fixes! (Another one’s coming down the pike shortly. I’m behind schedule. As usual.)

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Stitch Fix, Part 14, Wherein Kate Shirks Her Duties, But It’s Mostly OK

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist, she is back with another Fix! (Read Part 13 here, and follow the links for previous posts.)

I’m getting the hang of things, you guys. Or at least, sometimes I know when something is a total no, like these jeans* which were wrong in every way except color.

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Even when I know something’s terrible, I like to check in with Kate to see if she has any sass about it.

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Kate was delinquent in getting back to me this time. It’s OK–I moved on–but I definitely needed her to let me know if it was OK that I liked this shirt:

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Why is she under the impression that my feeling good in something is more important than it actually being fashionable? WE’RE NOT THERE YET, as evidence by my pattern misstep:

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Oh, well.

Anyway, sometimes I get a thing, and I think it’s ridiculous, but I have a flashback to the orange biker jacket sweatshirt thing, and I doubt myself.

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In this case, there was no reason for self-doubt.

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My love for Stitch Fix is well-documented, but occasionally they send you a snoozer of a piece, like this:

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It might have a detail that’s somewhat interesting:

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She didn’t get back to me! And I was like WHY DO I EVEN PAY HER, but then I remembered I don’t pay her. I knew a wrap dress would get her attention though:

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There was no reason I wasn’t telling her, other than the usual footmurder and thighfire issues. But!

(a) I wore bike shorts with a dress (the one from the very first Fix), and though they were a little loose and peeked out underneath by the end of the day, and I felt like a goober wearing bike shorts… my thighs ended the day with no mantle plumes.

Then, on a reader’s recommendation, I purchased some Undersummers. These, I can wholeheartedly recommend. While not terribly sexy (they’re giant, beige, high-waisted bloomers), they are very lightweight and non-squeezy; they stay put; and most importantly, they preclude chubrub just as well as bike shorts without making me feel like as much of a goober.

(b) I bought two pairs of sandals that accommodate my perfectly square feet:

these Blowfish Malibus, that are cute but not supportive and make my legs ache by the end of the day (WE CAN’T HAVE IT ALL, LADIES)

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…and these navy blue Clarks, which are less cute but way more supportive

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Footmurder and thighfire SOLVED. At least until winter when it’s too cold to wear open shoes.

If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, use this link. If you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly fayshun blogs.

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

*If you care about such things: (1) DRD Ena skinny jeans, (2) 41Hawthorn Dawney scallop trim blouse, (3) Skies are Blue pagan back strap chambray top, (4) Market & Spruce Brandey criss-cross back ribbed knit top, (5) Gilli Gary knit dress

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Stitch Fixing, Part Unlucky 13

Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist! She is back! With another Fix! (Read part 12 here and follow the links for previous posts.)

My fashion coach Kate was not visiting for this one–boo hoo hoo hoo–so I had to rely on her textual healing.

First up were some olive green pantaloons. I have to say, as someone who loathed the skinny jean phenomenon when it started, I’ve somewhat come around to it. Probably just in time for it to go out of style–am I right?! Is it over?! It’s almost definitely over. Nobody ever accused me of being an early adopter. I just listened to the Hamilton soundtrack for the first time last week.

Anyhow, I still feel a little like an ice cream cone when I’m in skinny jeans, but they do create a sleek line:

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Kate agreed that I should keep them, which was good because I had already worn them to work.

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I got to thinking that maybe there just aren’t any flats that’ll work with my Barney Rubbles. So despite my difficulty with heels in the past, I bought some cute black dressier flip-flops that have a 1 1/2-inch heel. I figured it was nothing! A kitten heel! Meow! …And my feet go numb within mere minutes. Utilitarian flip-flops 4 lyfe!!1!

Next up was a sleeveless blouse that I liked a lot, but I’m still unclear when a thing is, as Kate says, hiding my light under a bushel, or not showing off my sweet rack and tiny waist. (Note: Kate moved away before I had the boys, so she still thinks I have a sweet rack and tiny waist, rather than deflated boobs and floppy abs.)

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I kept it, and I love it!

I wanted to keep this next shirt SO BAD. Hard to see, but it had two layers of scalloped edges, and a cool back, but there was a problem.

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Kate said the problem was not my bras or my boobs, it was a design flaw. Back it went.

Next was this:

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I wasn’t crazy about it, plus if you look at the first pic in this post, I have basically the same shirt (navy, lacy-necked, sleeveless blouse) without the sportsball shoulders. Bye bye.

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Kate’s an idea man. But Body Glide wears off, Spanx are uncomfortable, boy shorts ride up, and those Bandelettes I bought don’t cover enough real estate on my ample inner thighs–I still get hot spots. Besides, wedges make my feet fall asleep, Birks aren’t my jam (anymore–I wore the shit out of some Birks in high school), and chucks… well, I suppose I could get me some chucks.

But I already have like six dresses in my closet that I don’t wear. I sent it back.

So my two big fayshun problems remain. Footmurder! Thighfire! My fashion misadventures are pretty much Game of Thrones. HBO, CALL ME.

For those of you keeping score, that’s Keep 2, Return 3. Unlucky Fix. But you guys, I still love this service. A friend told me she was thinking of trying it, and I was like, “Wait, but you LIKE to shop, don’t you?” She said she loved it. Thrill of the hunt. And I had to tell her that I think Stitch Fix and similar services are for people who (a) hate shopping, (b) are bad at fashion, or (c) both.

If you’re a (c) like me, use this link. If you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly fayshun blogs.

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

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Stitch Fixing, Part 10, or Ladies Ladies Please

YOUR FASHION-CHALLENGED AVID BRUXIST! SHE IS BACK! WITH ANOTHER FIX! (See part 9 here, and follow the links for previous posts.)

Before we get into all the clothes-horsing, let’s address some other aspects of my attempt not to devolve into Frumpmom:

(1) Thumbs down: I’ve been negligent in the makeup department. I use tinted chapstick most days, but that’s about the extent of it. I just can’t seem to haul my carcass out of bed any earlier than is absolutely necessary in order to paint myself up for a bunch of 11-year-olds. (I know, I know, I should do it for myself. How do I start giving a shit about makeup?)

(2) Thumbs up: Jeff wanted to give me lazy curls, and I said OK, sure. And will you look at this?!

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Of course, I’ve been able to replicate this look exactly zero-point-zero times since the day he cut it, but for the one day, I looked like I had just stepped out of a salon. Which I had.

On to the Fix!

Let’s start with what I thought would be a slam-dunk but turned out to be a brick at the buzzer. #marchmadness #basketballmetaphors #highfive

When I saw “41 Hawthorn Renesme faux wrap dress” on the packing list, I was like, “Well, I’ll be keeping at least one thing for sure,” because even though I hate wearing dresses, wrap dresses always look good on me.

Then I put it on and was corn-fused.

KAAAAAAAAATE!

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Kate, as usual, articulated the problem:

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She’s generalizing, of course, with “nobody”. Buffalo Bill wanted nothing more than to wear a skin dress. #putthefuckinglotioninthebasket

Next up, a pair of good jeans (FINALLY), which are hard to see in this girls’ bathroom photo, but just take my word for it, they’re uniform dark wash (no whiskers) and huggy in the right places.

Also, shirt from previous fix, key lanyard statement piece, coffee cup statement piece, and pencil statement piece
Sandy bootcut jeans from level 99. Also, shirt from Fix 6, key lanyard statement piece, five-dollar Shoe Carnival sunglasses, and utilitarian flip-flops.

There were two shirts in this Fix, and though I liked the color of the first one, I honestly had no idea whether either of them was any good in terms of shape, fit, or style.

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Top, Skies Are Blue Donavon crochet-detail knit top. Bottom, Rilo button-up blouse from Collective Concepts.

Good thing there’s Kate!

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That Kate, always making sure the ladies get their due. And if you asked, as I did, “Da fuq is a placket?”, I googled it–it’s an opening in a garment, like a collar, cuff, or waistline.

She was right, btw. Here’s a better pic of the green:

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Sent the hiddy pattern, boobflappy, collarless placket one back.

You know what’s coming, don’t you? The statement piece!

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Zad Adrianna Circle Bib Necklace

“Yes or no?” I asked Kate.

She was like, “Do YOU like it?”

We all know that’s beside the point, but yeah, I thought I did like it. She said I could keep it, so I kept it.

Hey, please use this link to try Stitch Fix for yourself because if you do that, they’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep posting these silly blogs about it. (I make zero dollars on my blogs. Keep me in couture, readers!)

Stay tuned for future Fixes!

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