Protected: January Patron-Only Post
Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: Maria Von Trapp Muumuu
Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist—she is back with another (mis)adventure in which she messages her friend Kate who Knows About Fashion Things for advice and spiritual guidance! For previous posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.
Also, reminder that if you support me on Patreon (as little as $1 a month!), you get to read these posts early and other posts that the masses don’t get to see at all.
Let’s start with good news: This Stitch Fix box contained no tricky backs.
The bad news: Literally everything else.
Here were some pants that would’ve been fine.
Except I’m a hobbit.
Don’t send me shit I can’t get tailored for under $10, or at least tuck under and staple!
Moving on. My style profile says I like “clean patterns.” Does this qualify? No, it does not.
Unless I take my hands off my hips, and then it’s more of…
Reader, I can’t yodel. By the transitive property of equality, I can’t wear curtains.
Sometimes, there’s an item that’s just “Eh” but, in contrast with other more craptastic items, seems “Eh?” Like, maybe I’ll keep this because at least it’s better than those other things? Fortunately, I’m getting better at recognizing them, like this Eh sweater in Eh grey.
This next sweater might’ve been OK, but it didn’t Spark Joy™, and like every other Netflix subscriber, I’m trying to do what Marie Kondo tells me to.
As much as I identify as a hobbit (short, hates shoes, regularly eats second breakfast, etc.), I do so little traveling by foot with a bindle now that I have kids.
I certainly didn’t like it $39 worth.
When we both realized this Fix was a zero-for-five, we jinxed each other with simultaneous thumbs-down gifs.
I started this post with bad news, so I might as well bookend it with more bad news. The Lane Bryant jeans and pants I mentioned last time are… not magical. I think I mistook their roominess for awesomeness. And I mean, roominess is a type of awesomeness, but they drape kinda weird and sag when not tightly belted, which defeats the purpose of roominess anyway.
The sports bras are all right, but they cost sixty bucks each so they fucking better be.
Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself (not all Fixes are bad, swear), please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.
______________________
Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, see these posts early and get access to other super-secret posts!
Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
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Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.
Protected: December Patron-Only Post
Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: The Prancing Clydesdale
Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist—she is back with another (mis)adventure! For previous posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.
Also, reminder that if you support me on Patreon (as little as $1 a month!), you get to read these posts early and other posts that the masses don’t get to see at all.
Hey, remember that vv flattering sweater from the last post? The gray striped one? I dripped butter on it. Fact about me: I get food on 100% of important papers. Also on cute things that fit me that I’ve had for less than one month.
Can’t replace it with this sweater. Last Fix, you might recall I told the stylist NO TRICKY BACKS. Welp.
Maybe I wasn’t emphatic enough. Maybe I should’ve said LISSEN TA ME: TRICKY BACKS CAN GET FUCKED. I’ll try that this time.
Question: When you go to a shoe store, how many pairs do you try on? Me, at DSW, like 15 maybe. And from those I choose two or one or zero. The odds are terrible, and that’s given that I already like the shoes. I’m not a fashion merchandiser, but I can’t imagine SF posts good numbers on the shoe front. Then again I have garbage feet. In any case, here are shoes they sent me that fit length-wise but squoze my toes.
Kate likes to argue that some heels are not heels. She’ll say things like “kitten heel,” as if the word ‘heel’ isn’t right there in the phrase. Srsly, anything higher than 0 degrees is too much for me.
Fortunately, Kate didn’t fight me on these.
Next up was a non-hoodie.
Reader, I did not.
I also did not need an AARP-patterned shirt.
Things were not looking good for this Fix, but it was redeemed by some black jeans with a little zipper detail on the left pocket.
And that was that.
But wait! There’s more! I made good on my threat to order some Lane Bryants. Unfortunately…
Succinct. Also…
Avid Brüxist! I’d have to work on my lats and my spray tan.
For the last one I tried to kick it old school. I saw “boot cut” on the website, and the dream of the 90s was alive. Disaster. First of all, I unwittingly ordered high rise, and goddamn! If I wasn’t wearing a bra, I could’ve tucked my boobs into them.
But that wasn’t the only problem.
In response, Kate sent a leaping pony gif, so I took that as a no. If the previous two offenses weren’t enough, I could’ve stored snacks between the waistband and my back.
Fortunately, there’s a Lane Bryant not too far from me, where I could return them instead of paying return shipping. So that’s what I did, and the good news is I got two pairs of uniform dark wash jeans (one blue and one blackish) and two pairs of work pants and TWO! NEW! SPORTS BRAS! Ones that don’t feel like whalebone corsets.
I will try to include photos of these items in the next post, but right now I’m tired and I need to lie down. Which might be my motto for 2019.
Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.
______________________
Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, see these posts early and get access to other super-secret posts!
Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.
Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.
Amy’s Fashion (Mis)Adventures: Tricky Backs & Carol Burnett
Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist—she is back with another (mis)adventure! (For previous posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)
You get a double-dip again because I am perpetually weeks behind on everything that isn’t absolutely essential, and a few things that are.
Also, sorry about the fuzzy first pic. I think my dad* was messing with the thermostat, so the AC was on, and my computer camera had, like, frost on it.
*If you’re just joining me, my dad lives with me, not the other way around.
I was psyched about seeing dark jeans in the box, but motherfffffffff.
I shared my frustration with Kate, natch.
Kate asked how noticeable the whiskers were.
I thought the stylists would review your file and shit before they shopped for you, and I think they do to a certain extent, but it occurred to me that, like most Americans, they’re probably paid too little to do too much, and they skim it, rather than pore over it, so I’m not taking chances anymore. I’m including this note with every future Fix:
I’m interested–what does your yes/no list look like?
Very occasionally I throw caution to the wind and pull the tags off before I check with Kate:
Kate: trying to improve my body image since 2011.
Not trying to improve my body image? This shirt:
Get fucked, tricky backs!
I was lost on the next piece. It somehow both hugged my curves and made me feel mannish? Fortunately, Kate was there to break it down for me.
I miss those orange pants.
Stitch Fix sent me a skirt, which made me realize, I don’t own any. Like not one. So I thought I’d keep this one if it was OK with Kate.
And they are sending me petites, but I guess I’m even petiter than most.
OK, we’re done with the first box. Are you ready for the second one, or do you need a break? Take a break! Get a snack. Hydrate. Come back when you’re ready.
You’re back! Yay, I missed you.
I didn’t even ask for a purse, but high-five, Stitch Fix, because the straps are wearing out on my old one.
Then, pants. I need some better lighting in my room. These are not black.
Now, when will I have time to get them hemmed…? Lemme check.
Looks like 2032.
<creates Google calendar event>
<tucks hems under and crosses fingers>
I kinda liked the next piece:
But I had a concern.
I ended up keeping it because the Buy 5 discount meant it was cheap and besides now I can do this bit:
Then we have a non-wow-but-OK-for-work blouse:
Get fucked, tricky backs!
Last but not least, or maybe last and least, a non-wow-but-OK-for-work cardigan:
That’s the Fixes.
In other fashion news, I ordered two pairs of flats from Zappos, and goddammit. I was thisclose to moving to a year-round-sandals climate because the only closed shoes that don’t shred my feet are sneakers and Timberlands, and neither really goes with slacks.
But I just went to DSW and tried on a couple pairs of flats that felt like butter going on. And that’s when I decided I would never buy another shoe that doesn’t feel like butter going on, the first time. None of this maybe they’ll stretch shit. I’ve never successfully broken in a pair of shoes. They either feel good immediately or they never will.
Anyhow, they’re not The World’s Cutest,
but as a 43-year-old exhausted fat single mom and middle school teacher, my threshold for pain-in-the-pursuit-of-cuteness has become narrow–almost imperceptible to the naked eye, in fact. And besides, they’re Cute Enough.
(The Atlantic recently published an article called “Why Women’s Shoes Are So Painful” that made me feel seen. The author basically narrated my experience. Of course, I made the mistake of reading the Facebook comments, and there were a bunch of women who were like, “Oh really? I’ve worn heels and flats my whole career, and I’ve never had any problems.” I resisted the urge to write, “WELL, CONGRATUFUCKINLATIONS ON YOUR PERFECT HOOVES, SHARON.”)
There you have it. I have another Fix coming in a week or two, and also I was thinking about hitting up Lane Bryant again? I haven’t been there since 2009, but I put on a pair of their pants the other day (yes, the ones I bought in 2009)–totally frayed and a victim of my trademark Swingline sartorial skillz–but very stretchy and flattering.
Anyhow, I hope to scratch together another post soon.
Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.
______________________
Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, see these posts early and get access to other super-secret posts!
Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.
Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.
Amy’s Fashion Misadventures: A Shirt Vomiting Another More Hideous Shirt Out the Back
Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist—she is back with another (mis)adventure! (For previous posts, scroll to the bottom and click the Fayshun tag.)
Oh Guinness, where do I start? I’m like three months behind on this ish, and I have more than just Stitch Fix to tell you about!
There’s BETABRAND.
There’s the THRIFT STORE.
There’s THAT’S ALL JUST THOSE TWO OTHER THINGS IT SEEMED LIKE A LOT MORE WHEN I STARTED THIS THOUGHT.
First things first, I’d been seeing those “go to work in your yoga pants” ads all over Facebook, and I was like, that sounds delightful, add to cart plz.
Admitted tactical error: ordering this pattern. Obvs, the length is a problem too, but that can be remedied.
What can’t be remedied? (1) The texture. They did not feel like yoga pants. Or maybe they felt like yoga pants previously napped in by a vv coarse-haired cat. So itchy. (2) To quote Kate quoting Michael Kors, “That has insane crotch.”
If you want to try Betabrand, which I don’t recommend, use this link and I’ll get 15 bucks off my next pair, which I’ll never buy because of the above reasons STOP SENDING ME EMAILS BETABRAND.
Moving on to better pants, i.e. these jeans from Stitch Fix.
Yay! Uniform dark wash! Checked in with Kate to confirm.
When Kate says mama likey, then baby keepy, and that sounded much grosser than I meant it to.
Moving on. Here are some other good pants.
Pattern’s hard to see. Here’s a closeup:
And those are all the pants that are fit to print. Let’s do a dress!
Kate and I agreed that the color palette on this was a thumbs-up.
My problem was that the pattern accentuated my widest parts, and hers was that it was too short for work. I quote: “You’d sit down and it’d be all how’s your mother here’s a show.”
Next up, this shirt demonstrates why…
…you always check the rear view!
<100 horrified face emojis>
Let’s keep going with shirts. Here’s a totally OK shirt:
Look, I get it–I’m paying not just for clothes but for someone to shop for those clothes, but let’s grant the premise that this is a $15 Kohl’s shirt–that means I’m paying my proxy $43 to hit the bargain bin. I shan’t do it.
Here’s another totally OK shirt:
Kate agreed it was just OK. I sent it back.
Now for a shirt that was not totally OK.
Kate agreed.
How about a cardigan with toddler accessory?
I haven’t worn it yet because it’s been global warming outside, but I think I will.
I’m still such a fashion noob. Sometimes I don’t know simple things like whether you button…?
or don’t button?
I kept it, but I haven’t worn it yet. As I mentioned, global warming, plus I’m still not sure I should’ve kept it.
Here’s a boring sweater I sent back. Not even the elbow patches could retrieve it from Boringville.
I’m wearing more dresses these days, so this number left me in a bit of a quandary.
Ultimately decided the idea wasn’t well executed and sent it back.
Welcome to another episode of Check the Back!
I hope the problem is the shirts and not my back.
I’m still confused about accessorizing. I can often figure out which earrings will go with that outfit or which necklace will go with that outfit, but I don’t know which earrings will go with that necklace.
I probably should’ve kept these because they’re simple and would’ve gone with things, but they were… I can’t remember. Like in the 30-dollarses.
On the opposite hand, this necklace was too fancy for my taste:
The good news is I found summa them bead necklaces I was looking for when Stitch Fix sent me that… thing.
All at the thrift store for like 99 cents each!
OK, I saved another goodie for the end for you. I had an opinion about this shirt, but I wanted to see what Kate would say. Reader, take a minute and really think about what YOU think about it. See if it matches Kate’s and my assessment. (Ignore the pants.)
Ready?
If you chose Burn It with Fire, you win!
Hey, if you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.
______________________
Become my patron on Patreon, and for as little as $1/month, see these posts early and get access to other super-secret posts!
Like Avid Bruxist on Facebook.
Follow Avid Bruxist on Twitter.
Read my other stuff at Fat CrossFitter and Baby Happy Pants.