Cooking for Dumbs: Edible Collard Greens

Simple Collard Greens Recipe with Lots of Pretty Pictures

Ingredients: bunch of collards, 2 tbsp butter, 2 tbsp olive oil, fresh garlic, salt, lemon juice

Step 1: Think about looking up that collards recipe you think you might have found on Epicurious?, when was it?, maybe a year or two ago. Have confidence that you don’t need to; you remember it.

Step 2:

Fill a pot about twice the size of your head halfway with water.

Step 3:

Cover it with a lid and turn the burner on Hi. That’s the notch above 9.

Step 4:

Using a knife about the size of your forearm, cut the leaves of the collards off the stems.

Step 5:

Stack the leaves in a pile and slice them into 5/8-inch pieces. It’s real important that they’re exactly 5/8 of an inch.

Step 6:

When the water boils, dump the collard greens into the water, and give ’em a lil stir.

Step 7: While they’re boiling for, I don’t know, like, 5 minutes?,

look how cute your dog is being.
Also, dice up some garlic. I prefer to be single forever, so I use three cloves.

Step 8:

Using these guys to pick up the pot, and not your bare hands because you will hurt yourself, drain the collards in the basket of
a salad spinner, and salad-spin the shit out of them.

Step 9:

Put butter and olive oil in the pot over Med heat (that’s between 4 and 6) until it gets all foamy and then the foam starts to subside, but before it gets brown, i.e., don’t go check your Facebook feed while this is happening.

Step 10:

Throw in the collards and garlic and toss around until heated through.

Step 11:

Leave the remaining collards on the counter,
and put the knife in the fridge. With the butter. Wonder where the knife got to.

Step 12:

Salt the crap out of the collards, and sprinkle with lemon juice. Eat them — they’re not terrible.

Step 13:

Remember to put the remaining collards in the fridge where they will wilt for two weeks before you throw them away.

Step 14:

Eat some of this stuff for protein, since you don’t know how to cook meat.

Step 15:

Go to your friend Craig’s house for dinner. He knows how to cook and you’re gonna be really hungry because all you’ve had today was collards and trail mix.

5 thoughts on “Cooking for Dumbs: Edible Collard Greens”

  3. What about the collards that have been wilting for two weeks already? Will this recipe cover up that stank?

    Reply

  4. Oh honey, please don’t pour boiling water in your flimsy plastic salad spinner. That plastic will leach right off onto your delicious healthy greens.

    Reply

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