Yes, that’s right! Your fashion-challenged Avid Bruxist is fixing her stitches again!
See, what had happened was:
- my promise to myself that I would just go shopping once a month was a vile and pernicious lie; and
- I literally split my pants.
My coworker texted me and was like, uh maybe check ur butt? Fortunately, this coworker was a friend and she said it nicer than that, like she intimated that maybe there was a flaw in the fabric or that I had gotten yellow paint on my red jeans, but no, it was my butt. More specifically it was my cotton underpants which I buy in a 6-pack because you can’t tell me what to do.
It was a wake-up call, for sure. I was pretending for a long time that my clothes fit, when they absolutely no longer did, and the thing about wearing too-tight clothes is it makes you feel like your body is wrong. Now, lots of people would say, “Well, your body is wrong. You need to go on a diet.”
And to them I say, “Thanks for sharing. Now shove it up your ass.”
See the thing about going on a diet is it doesn’t work. #fightme if you want, but please read Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon first. And then you won’t fight me–you’ll come in for a bit of cuddle and maybe boo-hoo on my shoulder for a few, but then we’ll high-five and have a snack because keeping our blood sugar steady is good self-care.
That’s all I’m going to say about diets for right now, but I do want to reiterate that wearing the wrong size clothes is a great way to feel bad about yourself all the time. I’ve definitely put on weight since the boys were born. I had that weird pregnancy net loss (plus 19 lbs during gestation, minus 30 with the birth), but since then, I’ve slept very little and eaten a lot of cookies. Those actions are related. Also, I quit CrossFit a year ago, but I had already gained the weight before my exodus. Wearing my old sports bras was basically having an hour-long Heimlich. I haven’t bought new sports bras yet because all I’m doing for exercise is walking the dogs, but I! HAVE! BOUGHT! NEW! STITCH! FIX!
The first order in our redux series was, like previous ones, a mixed bag. And as always, I consulted my fashion guru Kate for advice.
She concurred that the cherry blossoms were quite nice.
The Swingline is an under-utilized sartorial tool, IMHO.
Kate gave me a thumbs-up on the elbow patches and suggested I buy a bubble pipe to complete the look.
Next piece came with many reservations.
I hate it when she asks me that.
I’ll look into buying some leggings, but I decided to send the dress back. Amongst other issues, the sleeves were way too long.
I regret to inform you that my struggle with shoes continues.
I actually LOVED the flats Stitch Fix sent, but.
She asked which was it, and I had to reply that it was both–too floppy on my heels and too squeezy on my toes. I’m so sad about it. I just want cute pointy flats that don’t hurt my feelings. Alas, my search goes on.
For those keeping score at home, the YESes were Vero Moda Marky crew neck top ($44), Tribal Fia seamed trouser ($58), and RD Style Morrison elbow patch pullover ($64); NOs were Absolutely Ettel sweater dress ($54) and MIA Alana pearl flat ($59).
If you want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, please use this link. They’ll give me a $25 credit, and I’ll keep writing these silly blogs.
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