June 2015

My dad and I aren’t taking our usual northward jaunt because I need to be within spitting distance of the hospital for Arlo’s sake, but here are a few gems of recent times.

Dad: Have you ever tried to open pistachios and read a book at the same time?
Me: No.
Dad: CAN’T BE DONE.

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Dad: I’ve got a couple of bananas on my dashboard.

(He did.)

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Dad: I’m still hungry. You got any munchies?
Me: (digging things out of the cupboard) Pistachios. Beef Jerky. …Sesame seeds.
Dad: (correcting me) Those are for the cardinals.

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Dad: (waggling his iPhone) I suppose this thing has a voice recorder on it too.
Me: Yup.
Dad: I don’t know how to use this thing. How’m I gonna learn how to use this thing?
Me: I keep teaching you, but you keep forgetting.
Dad: <blink blink blink blink blink>

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Dad: Apps.
Me: Yeah?
Dad: Do I have to buy them?
Me: You can. A lot of them are free.
Dad: Why would I buy any then?
Me: Well, I bought one called PicStitch–
Dad: Pig shit?!

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Dad, singing a lullaby to the baby:

Oh, dear, what can the matter be,
Seven old ladies got stuck in the lavatory;
They were there from Sunday till Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there.

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Dad, waxing philosophical: Life is really—hey, are those pretzels?

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Dad: You need breakfast? I could run out and get us something.
Me: I already ate.
Dad: I didn’t really have anything. Just… some ice cream. Toast. Pretzels. I love pretzels for breakfast!
Me: You need to eat some protein and vegetables.
Dad: I take vitamin pills.

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The best part about this is not that my dad texted the fancy vacation person back. It’s not even that he did it accidentally “with my ass”. It’s that he managed to put both “lol” and “poop” in an accidental ass-text to a spammer.

And then there was the time he was more deliberate: