Month: November 2010

Squeal

What is it, 47 million people in this country that don’t have health insurance? That sucks.

You know what else sucks? Being one of the ones that does and still getting screwed by the health “care” system.

I have a friend who doesn’t quite blow her knee out, but messes it up pretty good training for a marathon. At the orthopedist, the insurance billing lady gasps, “Your health insurance plan makes you pay 40% of all specialist charges?!” You know when the billing person, who sees every conceivable plan, is aghast, your health plan is crap.

So, anyway, at the orthopedist, she bends over, if you know what I mean.

At the physical therapist, totally rogered.

Then she goes home and waits on hold for AN HOUR AND A HALF with BlueCross/BlueShield, and they tell her, just kidding, you pay 40% after you’ve met your FIVE-THOUSAND-DOLLAR deductible. Up until then, you pay 100%. That’s 700 bucks to the ortho, and 500 to the PT. Squeal, pig.

But the good news, they tell her, is, “preventive care” is covered in full, so that colonoscopy her doctor keeps saying she needs because her dad got colon cancer at 48, the one she’s been wanting to put off: gratis.

How many ways can my friend take it up the ass from the health care industry?

Lots, apparently.

For All My Gs Out There

“Gs” being gluten-freaks, of course.

Yes.
Yes! Even better than plain.
No. Reader Margo makes a sublime gluten-free pancake. Unfortunately, to Namaste Foods, I have to say, "Namaste,"---no, I meant, "Yo nasty."
Eh. Kinda mushy.
Nom nom nom.

Most Larabars are just nuts and dates mushed up together. All food, no unpronounceable ingredients.

For your records:

YES! Coconut (fave), lemon (second fave), tropical tart (third fave), PB&J, Cherry Pie, Cashew Cookie, PB Cookie, Cinnamon Roll, Carrot Cake

NO! Apple Pie, Banana Bread, Ginger Snap, and any that try to be a candy bar: Jocalat Chocolate Hazelnut, Chocolate Coconut Chew, Chocolate Chip Brownie, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough…blech!

All are scrumptious. However, the yogurt-covered ones are too sweet for breakfast.
Yes. Yes. Yes yes yes yes.

Gluten-free bread leaves something to be desired, mostly. I mean, I’ve never met a gluten-free baguette (and if I do, I’ma make sweet love to it). I miss it. The other day, my sister and I were at Costco, and I was enjoying what we call trailer-park tapas. That is, delightedly taking one of every sample they were passing out. One of those sample-handing-out angels had French bread—certainly not gluten-free—with butter, and I took it, oh yes I did. It was like magic in my mouth.

So Food for Life’s Brown Rice Bread is no baguette, but toast it. Slap some butter on there. Slather in with peanut butter. Get my sister’s mother-in-law, Grandma Barbara, to give you some homemade blueberry jelly. Top it all with that, and oh my gah! Delish.

(smiling) You’re a Jackass!

Why won’t people stop telling me I’ve lost weight? You might recall, I fucking hate it.You might recall, when they tell me I’ve lost weight, I’ve never lost weight. You might recall that I think people just remember me as a jiggly behemoth and are surprised when they see me and I’m fat but not that fat.

I’ve had three people in the last three weeks tell me I’ve lost weight. Guess what! I haven’t! And they’re so pleased with themselves, like they’re paying me a compliment.

One of my co-workers asked about my gym and said, “You look good. You look like you’re losing weight.” So what you’re saying is I should be losing weight. What you’re saying is that I didn’t look good in your mistaken memory. Thanks, bitch.

It makes me so mad. So, so mad.

I’m realizing my rage is unhealthy. So in the future, when they say, beaming, “You have lost weight!” I’m going to say, “No. Not at all. I guess you’re just not remembering since last time you saw me how ridiculously fine I am.”

Or maybe I should try, “Wow, it’s a good thing you got your hair cut—it looks so much better now!”

Other suggestions?

Ask the AB: Metaphor

Reader Rachel asks:

Is being “sexual napalm” a good or a bad thing? People magazine articles on the subject are inconclusive, and I’m trying to get my new years resolutions in order.

Well, Urban Dictionary told me it’s a “sexual hold a woman has on you similar to being addicted to drugs”, and I thought I’d advise you to put it on your New Year’s Resolutions list, just above making your bed every day, because it could be very useful in terms of manipulating your husband.

But then I looked at wikipedia, which states that “napalm can cause severe burns (ranging from superficial to subdermal) to the skin and body, asphyxiation, unconsciousness, and death”. And if you do that, you’ll have, at best, a gimpy husband and, at worst, a dead husband. Both types of husbands are very hard to manipulate.

Subconscious Seeks Ogre

I’ve never understood sex dreams. I remember waking up from the first one I had in high school, horrified, because my sexual partner in the dream wasn’t the captain of the basketball team; it wasn’t Robbie, who played trumpet with me in the jazz band and wasn’t afraid to take improv solos and left notes in my locker; it wasn’t even the principal, which could’ve provided for a naughty authority dynamic.

No, it was the sophomore who wore nothing but

these
and these

and a big chain going from his black jeans with the 52″ waist to his empty wallet.

He wasn’t completely a Hobbit, but maybe halfsies, you know? His head was gargantuan. Tiny hands,

fingers like these.

With rhotacism. That’s an l and r to w speech impediment.

Think

this guy.

I remember being enraged at my own subconscious and walking gingerly into school the next day, petrified that, in a moment of trauma-induced Tourette’s, I might blurt it out in the cafeteria and be ridiculed for the rest of my life.

And though I don’t have sex dreams too often, today I woke up shuddering after having dream-sex with a student’s dad. And no, not the hilarious web designer or the charismatic surgeon with beautiful eyes…instead, the paunchy, awkward one with the mid-western accent (yech), whose residence (I remember from the home visit) looks like his garbage can and clothes dryer simultaneously exploded all over the house. It wasn’t even shame-ridden, back-alley sex; there were witnesses.

What is wrong with me?

Please tell me I’m not alone.

Customer Service

Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:40:43 GMT-0500 (EST))>

i'm still getting e-statements from my old account.


Donald(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:40:45 GMT-0500 (EST))>

To ensure I am speaking with the decision maker, 
I will need to verify your last four digits of your social security number 
in order to release any information in regards to your account.


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:40:52 GMT-0500 (EST))>

----


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:14 GMT-0500 (EST))>

i just don't want to get e-statements saying i owe $0 for my old address anymore.


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:18 GMT-0500 (EST))>

how do i cut them off?


Donald(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:42 GMT-0500 (EST))>

I would have to give you the number to customer service to stop those statements. 
They can be reached at 919 595 4892. 
I'm showing you have our internet only which is a good thing 
since I can offer you a great bundle at this time.


Donald(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:41:46 GMT-0500 (EST))>

Currently our best package that we are offering includes all 3 of our services: 
Digital Cable with 300 channels, free HD, free on demand access, 
free music channels for 1 TV, up to 10mbps Roadrunner high speed internet 
and Unlimited Nationwide calling with CallerID on TV, all for the new low price 
of $33/ month each.  Plus, by signing up today, you can get DVR and HBO free 
for 3 months.  How does that sound?


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:42:12 GMT-0500 (EST))>

stop it. i don't want to be sold anything. i want CUSTOMER SERVICE!


Amy_(Sat Nov 20 2010 16:42:31 GMT-0500 (EST))>

UGH.