She’s a single WOman too (clap clap).

Did you know that song was written by Paul Shaffer (yes, the bandleader from David Letterman) and some other dude?

ANYway, I’m at it again, folks—trying to find a partner with whom to navigate these treacherous waters we call life. Ugh. I hate it.

My new profile? I’m leaving some of the stuff from this old one and this old one but changing parts. Here’s some of it:

My Self-Summary

I probably won’t ever get you a birthday present. I’m just bad at it. I always give myself an ulcer trying to figure out what to get people, and then I buy them something they don’t want. So if it’s all the same to you, I just won’t get you anything.

The flip-side is that I won’t ever expect presents from you. I’m not kidding. I don’t like material goods. Nothing makes me happier than a trip to Goodwill, a sloughing-off of stuff. Know that scene in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon when the dude kidnaps the princess to a cave in the desert, where they fall in love, cook on a fire, and sleep on straw mats? I would like that. Actually, probably not, but I still hate stuff. Moreover, when somebody gives me a gift, I feel like I have to return the favor and…see the paragraph above.

There are exceptions. I like used books. I just like the smell of them. Oh, and the words inside. Also (though not exactly material), if you were to take me out to dinner, or get tickets to an event we can enjoy together, well, peachy. And there’s the ring, of course. The preferably understated, preferably antique, preferably non-diamond engagement ring you buy me when we realize we’re perfect for each other. I’ll take that.

And I will buy you a gift, if you tell me exactly what you want. And/or I’ll make you a cake, even though I’m a glutard and won’t be able to partake. I’m a nice lady.

What else?

I’m preternaturally photogenic. So take any photos with a grain of salt. I mean, I’m no troll, but I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m cute but chubby, and I still break out every now and then, even at the ripe old age of nearly-35. Sexy, I know.

My Favorite Music, TV Shows, Movies, Books, and Food

Music: The song I’m most likely singing is probably from Schoolhouse Rock, but I like a lot of other music. It’s just that those songs are so damn catchy! I listen to NPR pretty much non-stop, except A Prairie Home Companion (shudder) and those smug bastards on Sound Opinions.

TV Shows: The Wire, Six Feet Under, The Flight of the Conchords, and (hangs head) Friday Night Lights

Movies: The ones I quote on a regular basis are Strictly Ballroom, Some Like It Hot, Moonstruck, and The Princess Bride. Something about the chumps-to-champs sports movie totally works for me, and any movie with a dog will make me cry like a little bitch.

Books: Big fan of memoirs, also a good novel set on some other continent will usually get me.

Food: I’m a fan.

Wish me luck, everybody!